


Dragonball Z AU Abridged The Fanfiction Deluxe Collector's Edition

by Dauziel



Category: DBZ - Fandom, Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z
Genre: Abridged, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Dragon Ball Z - Freeform, Dragon Ball Z: Abridged, Gen, Gender Issues, Gender or Sex Swap, Parody, Politics, Rule 63, TFS, Team Four Star
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8454874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dauziel/pseuds/Dauziel
Summary: What if Raditz didn't die? And was a chick? And wasn't lame? How would Team Four Star make fun of this character? Find out on Dragonball Z AU Abridged the Fanfiction Deluxe Collector's Edition!Please leave comments!





	1. The Return of Tamata-Wait...

_ The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release. _

_ And the Abridged series, upon which this is based upon. _

_ That shit’s hilarious. _

\------

In another dimension, much like our own, except with talking Dogs and cats, much more advanced scientific progress, and innumerable secretly confirmed alien contacts, there is an alternative dimension of that world, much like our own.

In the first world, Son Goku, also known as Kakarot, had a brother. His name was Raditz.

Raditz was kind of an asshole. His dad didn’t pay attention to him, nobody bothered to train him, and he was overly reliant upon technology for his sense of self-fulfillment as a result of an absent father and the fact that, when it came to training with all the other Saiyan boys and girls, he was kind of a pansy. And that’s terrible.

But in this other universe, Raditz was never born, because his father, Bardock, while really giving it to his Frieza-designated Saiyan mate, decided, instead of pulling out and reconsidering all of his life choices, decided to just get it over with and keep it in. And thus, a far more interesting and involved character was conceived, rather than the quickly-forgotten, disregarded one-time villain who was little more than a laughingstock to all his colleagues. Instead, Tamata was born.

As a result, Raditz was wasted later that day into a sock while Bardock fanaticized about-Well you’ve heard a little too much already, so we’ll just cut it off there and leave you wondering.

Now, the thing is, Bardock was kind of a sexist prick. I mean, the whole Saiyan race was, really, so Bardock wasn’t any more of a sexist prick than anybody else. Even less so, in fact, given that he actually thought that women could be capable fighters instead of hardass baby-makers the way all the other Saiyan guys saw them.

He was still a sexist prick, though, and figured that, given that he wasn’t particularly high ranking, his kid was probably not going to turn out well unless he, you know, actually looked after his daughter like any reasonable father ought to (coughcoughGokucoughcough.) Now, had he not, she would have more or less turned out exactly like her counterpart, Raditz, and gotten totally owned by Piccolo on Earth along with her brother, and events would have occurred exactly as they had in that first universe, except that Nappa wouldn’t have made that Fraggles joke that only Vegeta and Tien got. Literally, the only difference.

But he didn’t. Bardock decided to be a present father. Doesn’t mean he was a good father, but things turned out way better for Tamata than for Raditz.

Except for that whole ‘arm’ thing. But we’ll get to that later. Instead, we begin with Episode One.

 

THE RETURN OF TAMATA…Wait…

 

It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. The eagles are hunting, and eating said chirping birds. Deer are frolicking and eating grass. Farmers are out near their fields, illegally hunting and eating said frolicking deer. The, um, emus are out in the fields. Seriously, emus? Those things are fricking mean. The Australian army once fought a war against Emus. Australia lost. No seriously, that’s true, go look it up. Who the hell would raise Emus?

Suddenly, this peaceful scene is disrupted when a meteorite flew out of nowhere and crashes into a marijuana carrot patch, much to the surprise of the pot grower and fighting Emu rancher carrot and Emu farmer who owned that land. Seriously don’t feel that bad about this guy.

“Oh God no my Marijuana patch, I-I-I mean, err, my carrot patch! …Yeah!” he exclaimed, to nobody but the Emus and the poached deer he was gutting (female, and out of season. Yeah. Guess who shot Bambi’s mom? Seriously. Do NOT feel bad for this guy.)

He quickly scrambled into the truck, callously allowing the deer carcass to fall off the truck and onto the ground, thinking to himself, “I better do what any sensible Middle American would do in this situation: Get mah gun!”

Of course, disregarding the dozen or so underpaid, underfed, and abused migrant workers that did most of the work on his ranch, and were responsible for organizing much of his business. Seriously this guy is just about the worst.

He cocked his weapon, not because it needing cocking, but because the sound and feeling turned him on, leaving the unused bullet on the ground to later be eaten and chocked on by one of his emus, a prized fighter of nearly five years, now retired and being used as breeding stock. He adjusted his NRA hat as he approached the smoldering crater. Yep. Lifelong membership in fact, voting whichever way they told him to. Douche. Bag.

He gawked down into the crater, at the spherical starship as it opened, a blindingly white light emitting as a figure, easily six and a half feet tall, slowly emerged while the pod chimed out, “Welcome to Earth. With open bar.”

“HOLY CRAP, IT’S SONIC THE HEDGEHOG-Err, Rule Sixty Three I guess,” the farmer yelped at the top of his lungs, “Err, nope. It’s an alien! HOLY SH*T IT’S AN ALIEN!”

“Finally, on this dead plan-wait…” the alien began, in the Universal Language (English), “What the crap? Did Kakarot screw this up? Oh thank God, I’m so glad we didn’t send Turles.”

“Better think of something cool to say to make mah introduction,” the farmer said, looking her up and down. He slung his weapon over his shoulder and said in his best ‘suave’ voice, “Hey Purdy!”

With a smug grin, he thought,  _ “Hehe. Genius, Farmer. Genius.” _

“Aw, look at him. He thinks he’s people,” Tamata rolled her eyes and pressed the button on her Scouter, “What’s your power level, little Human? Five, huh?”

She took a couple steps toward him, while Farmer readjusted his NRA hat, “Hey, ya like mah gun?”

Despite being a ‘responsible gun owner,’ Farmer’s weapon discharged while he was improperly holding his weapon with the safety off. Before he could even flinch, Tamata disappeared and caught the bullet behind him before it could land and hurt someone.

“Uh, no. Not impressed, Human,” she rolled the bullet between her fingers, then rested it between her thumb and forefinger, “Dumb human.”

She flicked the bullet at him, splitting the gun in two while he screamed, “GAH I VOTED FOR BUSH!” Blood spattered all over the front of his truck as his arm dangled by a few threads of skin.

Tamata rubbed her face, “Dumb. Now get back up and tell me you’re sorry.”

The farmer just gawked and gasped.

“Human?” she raised her eyebrows.

“…Sorry…?” Farmer offered, clutching at his dangling arm, “Wh-What’d Ah do?”

“I don’t like being catcalled,” she shrugged, and she picked him up, pulling a device out of her belt, “Now, this will only hurt for the rest of your life.”

She jabbed him in the bloody stump of an arm, drawing blood into the tube attached to it while the farmer writhed and protested.

“Git yer filthy paws off me ya damn dirty Monkey bitch!”

Tamata blinked at him, “Did you just-Really? I am HOLDING YOU UP with one arm, after flicking a bullet at you that TOOK YOUR ARM OFF, and you’re calling me a BITCH? And here I was all sort of hopeful about your species.”

With a short energy blast from her hand, there was nothing left of Farmer, save for the DNA sample she held in her other hand.

“Now where’s my little brother? Big Sis wants to have a little reunion.”

INTRO TITLE

\---

It was a hot and dreary day. There was barely any signs of life, no birds, no hawks, no deer, and only a single green-skinned figure wearing a cape and turban, standing on top of a mountain. Well, more of a plateau.

“Ah, good ole Wasteland. Yep! This sure is some kick-ass training! Dammit I’m lonely. Might as well check MySpace. No new comments…No friend requests…Dammit. Well I at least have you, Tom. You’er always there for me,” Piccolo sighed.

“HEY! YOU!” Piccolo’s ears perked up at the sudden sound.

“What the-“

“Are you Kakarot? Seriously, if you are, stay still, I need to talk to you about conquering and enslaving this planet! It’s REALLY important!” the voice called out again. Within a split second, Tamata appeared before Piccolo. At six and a half feet tall, she stood at Piccolo’s height. She had long, black hair that was kept from poofing out and going into the normal Saiyan spikey by a series of hair bands. Her armor covered her chest without suppressing the bulk of her bust. She wore leggings that stopped at her knees, but no sleeves, showing off her muscular arms. Her boots went up nearly as high as her knee as well, but didn’t accent her thick calves as these were large, heavy combat boots. Tamata had a warrior’s body, as she was bulky, broad-shouldered, tall, and had better muscle tone than most Gym rats. Her tail wrapped around her waist.

Her scouter bleeped out Power Level readings, “Wait a second, you’re not Kakarot. My bad.”

“I’ve got green skin, pointy ears, and a turban. I must look like SO many other people.”

“Oh, a smartass, huh? I don’t appreciate smartasses. Seeing as you’re the highest power level I’ve detected since I came to this palent, and you’re not human, I think it’s best if I just kill you now. Prepare yourself for my signature attack! KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BIR-Oooh, a higher power level!” Tamata leaped into the air, and watched her Scouter for location of the new signature.

“HEY! What the hell? Weren’t you going to kill me?” Piccolo called up to her.

“Ah, there we go. Considering the average Power level set by this one green guy and that idiot farmer, the chances of this being Kakarot are-Oh screw it I’ll just go and check.”

“Fine! Go ahead! I didn’t want your company anyway!...Right Tom?”

\----

“Holy Black on a Popo what is THAT?!”

Tamata’s Scouter picked up someone speaking in the distance as she approached the singular island in the middle of the ocean. Seriously, who builds a house on an island like that? It’s smaller than Frieza’s starship! The logistics of constructing such a house out here, given the technological benchmark of this planet, would be insufferable to deal with! Tamata could build such a house in a few hours given her strength and technical expertise, but a human, out here? It was actually kind of impressive, if idiotic.

“What’s wrong?” a second voice asked.

“I just felt a power level bigger than…Krillin’s losing streak!” the first said.

“…You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy,” a third whimpered, “Shouldn’t we grab Gohan and go insi-“

Tamata landed on the island in front of five people. Three male humans, a female, and a child. With a  tail? No, that was a Saiyan boy. How could there be a Saiyan child here? Was that Kakarot? The pod would keep him as a child if something were to happen to the pod and remained unopened. Perhaps that was the reason this planet was yet to be destroyed; Kakarot had yet to grow up. Which meant…She would have to raise him herself. Oh dear.

Her eyes started on the boy, but flickered to the black-haired man standing in front of her, and her eyes widened. Not only was this the Power Level she’d detected, but he was a spitting image of her father. Same height, same hair, almost the same face…No scars, though, and something about the jaw and brow made him just a little bit off, making him seem a bit more like her mother.

“Oh son of a…” the short, bald one whined.

“It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you…Kakarot,” she announced. He blinked at her.

“…What?”

“That’s right, that’s your name.”

“…What?”

“The name you were given before we sent you to this planet.”

“…What?”

“You…Hit your head as a child, didn’t you?” she groaned.

“…What?”

“Oh for God’s sakes, listen! You were sent here as a child to take over the planet! You’re part of a dead race of intergalactic super-warriors called the Saiyans! And to top off this expositional onslaught…I am your sister!”

The four adults all took turns gasping as a crab fell off a tree.

“…So you’re his sister, huh? So that means you’ll be involved in a LOT of future events, right? Right?” the short, bald one approached her. He barely reached up to her waist, but even so, he stood and puffed out his chest, showing his muscles and arms. Oh boy.

“Yes, that is the intention. Now, if you’ll excuse me I really must-“ she tooka  step to the left, but he stepped to match her.

“So does Goku have a brother-in law, too?” The human asked. Tamata stared at him as he kept on, “Huh? Huh?”

She kicked him into the side of the house.

KRILLIN OWNED COUNT: 1

“What did I say?” he grumbled. Her tail twitched around in annoyance.

“Hey! Stop hitting Krillin!” Kakarot pointed at her.

“Why?” she asked, “He hit on me. So I hit back.”

“Because you’re breaking Kame house!” Kakarot insisted.

“Yeah…Stop breaking Kame house…” Krillin groaned.

“So, what are you here for? The Dragon Balls?” Kakarot demanded.

She blinked at him, “The Dragon’s what?

“The Dragon Balls! There are seven of them? They grant you any wish you want? Like Immortality!” Kakarot explained.

“Or Bulma’s panties!” a new voice called out from the house.

\----

Meanwhile, on another planet very far away…

“Vegeta, did you hear that?” Nappa asked.

“Oh yeah, we’re totally going to Earth to get our wish!” Vegeta smiled.

“Yeah we’re gonna get panties! I mean immortality! Immortality’s what I meant! Right Vegeta?”

“…Just get in the damn pod.”

\----

On Earth…

“No. I’m here for you, Kakarot,”

“So, what are we gonna do? See a ball game? Catch a movie?” Kakarot asked.

“We’re going to conquer this planet, so as to re-found our species and spark a revolution to kill an Alien overlord who probably destroyed our own planet.” 

“Ew! Well, uh, I don’t really want to do that…With my, uh…Sister…I already have Chichi, so…With all due respect?”

Did he just-No. No frickin way he’s that stupid. Tamata, before really thinking about this, kneed Kakarot in the chest, sending him into the beach and leaving a sandy crater.

“Not with you!” Tamata rolled her eyes. The Saiyan boy yelled for his father and ran to him, but Tamata plucked him up, “I’ll be taking this, yoink! If you won’t help me conquer this planet, then your son at least proves my theory about these people. Come find me if you change your mind!”

Tamata took off into the sky, carrying the wriggling and screaming boy in her arm while Kakarot called for them. She sensed the green man passing her earlier. Perhaps she should have killed him on the spot.

Oh well.

She could do that later. She held the boy up to her face.

“Hello little one,” she pulled out the DNA extractor she’d used on the farmer, “First, why don’t you bleed for Auntie Tamata? It’ll only sting for a bit. Then we’ll have lots of fun, you and I.”

The boy yelled and wriggled harder, unable to break her grasp. She jabbed him with the needle, and he punched her in the face, causing her to drop him. With a single move, she grabbed him by the tail, and hoisted him back up.

“Hold still, you’ll only make it hurt more! There! All done! Jeez! Now shut up, you’re giving me a headache, kid! Augh! I said shut up! This is gonna be a long flight…”


	2. And they lived happily ever-Oh...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Goku and his friends be able to defeat the evil Tamata? Certainly not! Goku dies and she gets away! Find out now on Dragonball Z Abridged The Fanfiction Deluxe Collector's Edition!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Google Translate for the win!

 

Tamata stared at the screaming Gohan, her face in her hands while he screamed, and screamed, and screamed.

“Mind if I ask you something? Namekians aren’t mammals, they’re green, and their parents spit them out as eggs. That kind of make them like Yoshi’s, doesn’t it?” she asked the screaming child. Gohan just cried, “Yeah. That’s a stupid thought.”

INTRO TITLE

She groaned at the screaming child, “I have got to think of a way to silence you, child. I’m seriously not going to hurt you. I might hurt your dad, like, a lot. But he’ll be fine, I promise, eventually, just STOP. CRYING.”

It didn’t work.

“I said SHUT UP!”

He still cried.

“SHUT. UP!”

No dice.

“SHUT UP!”

Still not working there, Tamata.

“Dammit why isn’t screaming angrily making you cry LESS? Augh! What did dad do when I screamed and threw a tantrum? Well, first he’d smack me around for a bit…Then he…Fed me. Okay. Well, seeing as I hated the beating, we’ll skip those,” she looked around at all the Emus. A few of them had made a nest where the farmer’s corpse would have been had she not unceremoniously vaporized them. A trio of humans were moving the truck, staring at her cautiously. She stared back.

“Hey! You! Humans! Seeing as I just killed your local leader, that kind of makes me your new boss, right?” she yelled to them.

“¿Que?” one of them shouted back, his voice cracking.

“Este niño tiene hambre, y no deja de llorar a menos que yo lo alimento . ¿Puedes conseguir un poco de carne de emú ? Te prometo que no te mataré si lo hace,” she told them. They paused and conversed among themselves for a moment, before one of them poked his head out from behind the truck.

“Sí , creo que podemos hacer eso,” he told her.

“Gracias,” she sat down and looked at her screaming nephew, “See? Dad told me that Space Spanish lessons would never be used. I mean, I guess he kind of had a point, in that I’m supposed to kill the locals, not converse with them? But I like to get to know my conquests before leaving them to wither and dry. It usually validates my callousness.”

Gohan just cried.

“All right, until the food gets here, you’re going in the time-out pod. I’m too hungry for your shit, kid,” she picked him up and tossed him into her space pod, setting it on ‘lock’ so he wouldn’t launch himself to Frieza Planet 419 or some similarly inane location.

“Okay, time to sit back and,” her scouter beeped at her, “…Beat the crap out of coming. Great.”

“Tamata! Give me back my son!” Kakarot yelled. Was he riding a cloud? Why wasn’t he just flying? Does he not know how to fly? Who doesn’t know how to fly? What HAPPENED to him? She was going to have to teach him EVERYTHING. Kakarot leaped from his cloud, and landed alongside the green man.

“You’re here. And I see you brought the Namekian, as well. Also, I didn’t give you my name, how did you know-“ she began, but Kakarot shrugged.

“Muffin button.”

“…What? Well, it’s not like anybody cares about that anyway.”

“Well screw you too!” Piccolo tossed off his turban and cape. Tamata’s scouter beeped as it registered a marked increased in the Namekian’s power level.

“Piccolo, you use weighted training clothing, too?” Kakarot asked.

“No, Goku, I just love getting naked whenever I’m around you,” Piccolo rolled his eyes.

“Hey, if you really feel you get a power-up from getting naked in front of each other, that’s not my business,” Tamata held up her hands.

“We’re wearing weighting clothing,” Kakarot insisted.

“Riiiight, you do what feels natural, little brother, I won’t judge. You just need to be comfortable with who  _ you _ are, Kakarot,” she shrugged, grinning at them. The sound of wind accented the silence.

“So you really ARE here to see your brother get naked?” Piccolo taunted.

“SHUT UP!” Tamata rushed and elbowed them both in the sides, faster than either could react. They managed to land on their feet, a bit of a distance away. She heard her brother shout, ‘From Behind!’

“You sure you’re not more than just good friends with the Namekian?” she called out as she kicked out at them, knocking them away again, “Of course, maybeif we took a minute to give each other some CONTEXT, we could-“

“Rush him!”

“Dammit Goku! Can we at least TRY to dodge this one?”

“Dodge whaOH JEEZ!”

Tamata floated into the air, and let out a pair of blasts towards both of them. She didn’t REALLY need her brother alive. Just bits of him. Not those bits. Any bits. Liver. Stomach. Eye. Brain. Whatever he had that passed for one, anyway…

“Hah! You missed me!” Kakarot shouted. Tamata landed behind him.

“My bad,” she kicked him to the ground, and he started to twitch and groan.

“Hey Piccolo, we might be taking a beating, but at least we managed to dodge that one! High fiiii-EEEE!!” Kakarot gawked at the now one-armed Namekian, “Handsha-…Thumbs u-…G-Good job.”

Tamata started to laugh, “Hah! Oh, excuse me, has anyone seen my arm, you can’t miss it, it’s green! Haha!”

Tamata sort of missed the next bit while Kakarot and his green best buddy chatted. The sight of a one armed Namekian, with bits of his arm laying here and there and there and there and there? It was just too good. Well done, in fact! Hah!

“-for five minutes. And considering he beat us to a pulp in under one-Well, I’m sure you can handle it,” she finally caught the Namekian telling Kakarot.

“Wow you really have that much faith in me?”

“…Yeah, sure. Why not.”

“Well, then I won’t disappoint you! Here goes nothing!” Kakarot charged at her, “Ready or not, here I –AH! OW! OOF!”

Kakarot really shouldn’t have done that. It was a pretty bad idea, as far as bad ideas went. To be fair, he didn’t really know why she was here. She’d wanted to tell him, really, she did. It’s just hard to establish a  meaningful dialogue when you’re getting hit on, or people assume you’re some kind of deviant pervert. The gay jokes may have gone a bit far, but what did he expect from his big sister? A gentle ribbing, at least!

Speaking of ribs, she felt a few crack as she punched him in the chest. She seized up as a pain surged through her body, starting at the tip of her tail and surging all the way up her spine.

“Hah! Got your tail!” Kakarot announced. So he knew that trick; of all the dirty, low-end, malicious attacks…She was kind of proud of him.

“Okay! Okay! Please, let me go!” she wheezed.

“Well…Since you asked nicely…” his grasp loosened.

“Did you really just fall for that?” she laughed, and the beating resumed. This one was sort of a friendly smack-around, one that helped catch them up on years of separation. He screamed for Piccolo, and she lamented a bit. In that moment, however, he reached out and…

“Hah! Got your tail! Again!” he announced.

“Why did I let you do that TWICE? Please let me go?”

“I’m not falling for that again!” Kakarot insisted.

“…Pretty please let me go?”

“Well…”

This next beating was not quite so friendly. She landed with one foot on his chest.

“Ow my ribs!”

“You’re very cunning, attacking someone roughly four times your power level. No, wait, what’s the opposite of that?” Tamata tsked at Kakarot.

“Retarded?” Piccolo offered.

“Yes, thank you,” Tamata sighed, “Now, disregarding the Namekian, I-“

“Ah-ah, a Yoshi.” Kakarot corrected.

“I’m not a god damn Yoshi!”

Tamata pressed her foot on Kakarot’s chest, cutting off his query with a scream.

“It’s time you and I had a heart to heart, little brother, before this gets too out of hand.”

“No…No, those are my ribs Hear-AH! My ribs! I think you broke my-Mmmm…Ribs…”

“Oh, I think you just went into shock…Fine, I’ll kill the Namekian, then we’ll talk.”

The scouter went off-again, pointing to a surge of power behind her. Not the Namekian, though it was the-

She watched as her pod spewed upward in a geyser of parts and metal and fabric, with her nephew flying into the air.

“No! My space pod!” her only way off this planet, and all the precious data she’d collected for this mission, gone, in an instant! The child fell directly at her, striking his head against her belly, cracking her armor.

“No! My space armor!” the blow sent her reeling back.

“We get it you’re from space!” the Namekian called out. The Saiyan boy landed next to his father, who stared at him in shock and wonder. Mostly shock. Definitely medical shock.

“G-Gohan?” Kakarot managed to wheeze, “What…Was that?”

“Daddy!” Gohan cheered.

“No, seriously, what the hell was that?! We were getting slaughtered out there and you could do tha-Oh, crap…”

Tamata stood above the boy, clutching at her armor, one of her few personal possessions. There was a little part of her brain that reminded her of all the smackdowns and punishments she’d received from her father. How much she resented the ‘toughening up’ he had put her through over the years. All the hours spent crying in her room, until eventually she learned to keep it inside, concealed, not feeling.

How she had promised she wouldn’t do that to her nephew.

The rest of her didn’t listen.

_ Author’s note: I do not condone child violence, nor do I find it particularly humorous. However, I have source material to work with, so we’re just going to run with what they’ve got. _

“Wait! Hold on!” Kakarot reached towards the boy.

“Oh, what, mister shattered ribs is going to stop me?” she snarled, stalking over to the boy. That voice in the back of her head got a little louder with very step. She was not here to kill Kakarot, or his son. She did, on the other hand, already have the boy’s genetic information. She didn’t really need him.

“You don’t understand! Nothing you could do could ever compare to what Chichi would do to me if she found out he died!” Kakarot pleaded as Tamata raised her hand, which sparked with a pink charge of electricity.

“Well, sucks to be you,” she shrugged. An image popped into her head. A memory, of Bardock shaking his head at a training hall, while another Saiyan boy punched and kicked her around the arena, all of his lessons amounting to nothing more than an angry and scared little girl. Nothing had been learned.

She lowered her hand. She couldn’t do this to her own-

“FULL NELSON!”

Her brother had grabbed her from behind, locking his hand around her belly.

“A full nelson? That won’t stop me! I’m Tamata!” she struggled against the grip. She was going to beat him until he stopped moving, wait till he woke up, and then beat him around some more, until he finally had no choice but to sit there and  _ listen. _

_ “ _ Okay, let go!” she demanded, and fidgeted more, “Seriously this is starting to PISS ME OFF!”

“Piccolo!” Kakarot cried out.

“Ready!” the alien replied.

“Just remember to give me a signal before you fire that thing! I’m right behind her!”

Tamata wasn’t sure what the Namekian said, but he then started laughing maniacally while she struggled against Kakarot’s grip. Evil laughter was usually not a good sign.

“Well okay, as long as we’re clear on that,” Kakarot muttered. Tamata looked at the Namekian, to see his finders glowing yellow.

“Oh…This was a…Distraction…I should have thought of that…” she said, “Wait a minute…I’m taller and stronger than Kakarot…”

Tamata knelt while the Namekian tried finding the right name for his attack-why he had to shout he she had no idea-and leaned forward, picking Kakarot up off the ground and turning her side towards the Namekian, who finally fired his attack. She felt the heat sear through her arm and along her back, and then…Well, not a whole lot after that. She was kind of numb. She couldn’t feel her right arm, though. And Kakarot had finally let go, thank god. That Full Nelson was…Obnoxious and annoying. Where was her scouter? Also, where was her arm? She had it at the end of her shoulder earlier that day. It couldn’t have gone far.

“Dammit…I…Almost got out of there…” she lamented as the Namekian stood above her. She saw her arm off in the distance. There it was!

“You know, you could have flown,” Piccolo said.

“Oh. Damn you, hindsight…” she held up her other arm, and coughed something up. Everything was feeling a bit woozy. She should…Take a nap…

Should she?

“Goku! After several hours of debating, we have decided you might need our…Ah, crap,” the bald one’s voice could be heard over a loudspeaker on some flying vehicle. Huh. Didn’t know these humans were that advanced.

“Oh no,” Tamata wheezed, “Not…Not gonna lay here dying to listen to him make jokes…About my tits…”

“WHAT? You’re still ALIVE?!” Piccolo shouted.

“SHE’S STILL ALIVE? OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP!” the bald one screamed, as the car started flying erratically.

“Yeah. Can’t really feel my anything but…I got…One more…Trick for you.”

“No, no, no!”

“Suuuuper…”

“NO NO NO!”

“Jet!”

“HELLLLL NO NO NO!”

“BLAST!” Tamata held up her arm-the one she still had, right? The left one? Or the right one? Or the one in the middle? Wait she didn’t have one of those. Either way, she held up an arm, attached or no, and used what energy she still had left to propel her along the ground, away from the Namekian and her brother and her nephew, and towards the mountain range nearby. Her energy quickly depleted while she floated in midair. Well, more like fell towards a frozen wasteland.

That snow looked comfy.

She wondered if it was cold.

Snow usually was.

She landed.

She didn’t remember much after that.


	3. Die Some Other Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Those people know comedy.

Darkness. But surprisingly, no cold.

She landed in snow. Or died before than. Or landed in snow and then died. She should be cold. Wasn’t death cold? It wasn’t warm, either. Just sort of…Normal. Not great. Not bad.

“Oh, hell, am I in purgatory? Am I dead?”

“Hey, kid,” she heard a voice call to her. She turned around, to see her father.

“OH! Jeez, why are you naked? She looked away.

“I CAN SEE THE FUTURRRE!” a second voice called out.

“Sorry, kiddo. Pantsless is the way I gotta come back for this one,” Bardock said.

“MY RACE RETURNS MYSTERIOUSLY….IN THE FUTURRRRRE!” the voice added.

She looked at them. Some alien with a fish face stood next to Bardock, also naked. Conspicuously, Bardock had a red headband around his head.

“Wait why do you have that thing if you don’t have any pants?” she pointed to it.

“I have no idea. They insisted on no pants. Anyway, Tamata, I need you to listen to me-“

“I mean if they’re going to take all your clothes they might as well take that too.”

“THE SAIYAN LEGEND RETURNS…IN THE FUTURRRRRE!”

“Can I kill him? Please?” Tamata pleaded.

“I already tried that. Just ignore him. And I don’t make the rules about pants. You have to listen to me, Tamata. Your plan, it’s going to-“

“Wakey wakey,” a new voice called out. Bardock and his alien companion vanished. Tamata’s eyes opened, and her hand lurched out, grabbing an elderly human by the throat.

INTRO TITLE

\----

The human had a thick moustache, and bushy hair that fell to his back. He was wrinkly all over with sharp blue eyes. Behind him were a pair of pods marked ‘17’ and ’18.’ She felt the flesh and bone move under her fingers.

“You just woke me up from a conversation with my-“ she began. The human held up a remote and mashed a button. Electricity ran up her spine, causing most of her muscles to seize, and she began to writhe on the slab.

The old man coughed and dry-heaved until he could breathe again.

“Twenty…One…You will obey!” he held up the remote.

“Twenty one? Twenty one what?” she sat up as the electricity subsided.

“You-cough!-You are Cyborg Twenty One. It has taken me almost a year. But so far, you are my greatest creation! And…With this, my most obedient!” he held up the remote. She scowled at it.

“You have no idea who I am, do you?” she demanded.

“On the contrary I know  _ exactly _ who you  _ were. _ You were Tamata, a Saiyan, the older sister of Son Goku, my arch nemesis. And now you are Cyborg Twenty One.”

Tamata looked down at her hands. She had two. Didn’t she lose one of them? She felt different, in so many ways, few of which she could describe. There was a part of her back that felt…Distant. Like her armor feeling as if it were still there, when she wasn’t wearing it.

“Cyborg Twenty One? What are you talking about?”

“You were near death, injured and bleeding. Frostbitten in the snow, but I, Doctor Gero, have rebuilt you, stronger and more powerful than ever! And together, we will have our revenge upon your brother by slaughtering him and all his friends!” the human started to laugh.

“I don’t want to kill Kakarot.”

“Hah-what?”

“I don’t want to kill Kakarot. I mean, I wanted to in the heat of the moment, but that’s not why I’m here. I don’t want to kill my brother. He’s the only family I have left. Well, except for Turles, but he’s a jackass, so I don’t really count him.”

“Why not?”

“Listen, Doctor Geriatric, I came to Earth to bring back my species with my brother.”

“Gross!”

“NOT what I meant! Your species, the Humans, I suspected were genetically compatible with my own, the Saiyans. I have spent the last four years gathering the materials I need to inject every human in the world with Saiyan genetic material, allowing me to become Queen of a revitalized Saiyan race, so that we might rise up against the tyrant that destroyed our homeworld, and we can establish the Saiyan hegemony that our foolish King Vegeta refused to create! And I was HOPING to get my brother’s HELP in conquering the planet first,” she explained, “But that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen because he’s an IDIOT.”

“He is, isn’t he. How did you intend to turn the humans in Saiyans? That’s…A significant goal to achieve,” Dr. Gero asked.

“How did you intend to kill Kakarot with a bunch of robots?”

“Cyborgs!”

“Whatever.”

“These Cyborgs are biomechanical marvels, a pure integration of machine and man! And Saiyan! They are far beyond whatever new tricks Son Goku and his friends have up their sleeves! Cyborg Seventeen and Eighteen were my greatest creations, though they have proven…Troublesome to control.”

“What makes you think I’ll be any help?”

“You hate Son Goku as much as I do!”

“…Right. Again. Don’t want to kill my brother. But the more Saiyan DNA I have, the easier this will be, so unless you happen to have some on hand, I’ll just be going now.”

“Ah-ah-ah! I control your body! I control YOU, Twenty One!” Gero flashed the remote at her. She reached out, and snatched it from the old man’s hand.

“This remote that controls my body? Right,” she crushed it in her fist, “Like I said. I’ll be going now. Been a real blast. Thanks for the biomechanical replacements.”

“I-I-Wait! You said you needed Saiyan DNA?”

She stopped and turned to him, “Yes?”

“I don’t know how you intend on turning humans into Saiyans, but-“

She sighed, “Not the humans. Their  _ children. _ People breathe in or drink my contagion, it changes their genetic ‘donations’ into Saiyan DNA. People do what they do when they get it on, and when they have babies, their babies have tails. Frieza won’t know what hit him once they’ve grown up and are ready for war. He has no idea that I’ve ever been here.”

“Well if it’s Saiyan DNA you want, I can help. I’ve been collecting samples for decades of Goku and his friend’s genetics! Help me destroy them, and all I have is yours! But if you had the Dragonballs…”

“The Dragon’s what now?”

“The Dragonballs. Seven magical artifacts that, when assembled together, grant that person one wish! Immortality, resurrecting the dead, eternal youth…”

“Oh, yeah, Kakarot mentioned those. Superstition of the local barbarians.”

“Oh, no, I’ve seen them used, several times. Mostly by Goku and his friends. The dragon seems...Rather irritated by them, actually. But if you had the Dragonballs, you could just wish your entire race back into existence! I once dedicated my life to finding them so that I could dominate the world! But now I just mostly dedicate my time to trying to kill Goku. Which, now that he’s dead-”

“Wait, Kakarot’s dead? Then WHY do you need me to kill him?”

“Oh, well, Goku’s dead, but his friends are just as responsible. I want you to kill them! Kill them, and Goku’s DNA is yours!”

Tamata stared at the old human for a moment. Seriously? Just...Kill a few guys? She nearly did that anyway before, couldn’t be hard to do now.

“Fine. Who do I need to murder?” she sighed, “Well, when you say you need ‘Saiyan Genetic Material’, how much are we talking? What aren’t you telling me?”

\----

“DODGE!”

“AAAAH!”

SMACK

Piccolo stared at Gohan, who gawked back, tense and backing away.

“Come on, Kid, just move, get out the way!” Piccolo groaned, and moved in for another punch, stopping inches from Gohan’s face. He looked to the sky, mouth agape, overcome by the sudden and familiar power that was quickly approaching their location.

“No! No, it can’t be! That’s-That’s impossible!”

“What is it, Mr. Piccolo?” Gohan asked.

“Get behind me, Gohan! Hide, find cover!”

“...Which one? Get behind you, hide, or find cover?”

“Yes!”

Tamata landed before the Namekian, arms crossed, “I’m gonna have to ask you to not smack around my nephew, thanks.”

“Oh, yeah, like you’re Auntie of the year? What do you want?” Piccolo demanded.

“Well, you, dead, for one. My nephew not being smacked around, for two. All your comrades in arms brutally murdered and broken for three,” she admitted, “The usual.”

“Now is not a good time!”

“Well I imagine any time is an inconvenient time to get slaughtered. Like when you killed my brother, just when I needed him most. And after all that work I did to soften him up so he would start listening, too. You’re been a major pain in my ass, and I’m sick of getting delayed, so I’mma kill you now, okay?”

“You’re not gonna touch him!” Gohan declared, stepping in front of Piccolo.

“Gohan no!”

“Listen, kid, I made a deal. Someone wants Big Green here dead, and so do I, so there’s really not much you can do to stop me. I’m not keen on beating up little kids, but it’s not beneath me at this point, either. So step aside, boy, there’s no reason for you to get hurt, too.”

“I’m not gonna let you hurt Mister Piccolo! We need him!”

“For what? Blowing holes in the last, desperate members of our dying race?”

“Yes, actually,” Piccolo remarked, “Two more Saiyans are on their way here to steal our Dragonballs.”

“Oh. Great. Well. Well, you’re all boned. What’s your plan?”

“Train, wait a year, get the Dragonballs and wish back Goku, and fight them when they get here.”

“Well, if you train hard enough, you might live long enough to know that you don’t stand a damn chance, Namekian. You can’t possibly win in a straight-up battle against them, not even Kakarot.”

“Well I don’t see any bright ideas from you!”

“That’s because you haven’t asked me my bright idea. I have one, by the way.”

“Oh yeah what is it?”

“It involves monkeys. Oh, by the way, I’m taking Gohan, bye.”

“Wait wha-”

Tamata grabbed Gohan by the collar of his shirt and flew off.

“Hey get back here! Using Gohan for world domination is MY plan!” Piccolo shouted after her.

“Let me go! You can’t just kidnap me! That’s cruel!” Gohan shouted.

“How did you come to train under the Namekian?” she asked.

“He...Kidnapped me…?”

Tamata sighed, “Listen, getting smacked around isn’t a good way to train. All it teaches you is what it feels like to get smacked around. Trust me, I know what that’s like. You don’t learn from it. It doesn’t make you strong, it only reminds you how pathetic you are.”

Tamata landed, and set Gohan down, “Now listen, kid. This place, these people? This planet? They’re important. You are an example of everything I’ve been striving to achieve, and I won’t put this place or its inhabitants at risk, even if it means having to fight the only people left in the galaxy that I have anything in common with.”

“So, are you saying that, in the past few months since you’ve come here, you’ve grown to appreciate life, Earth, and its inhabitants, finding a new home on our tiny blue marble in the universe?” Gohan asked.

“What? Hell no, the Humans can create half-breed Saiyans which will allow me to reliably dilute the gene pool without losing primary characteristics of our species. You, my mongrel nephew, are proof that I’ve been right all along, and that I’m not a member of a doomed species, killed because nobody thought to colonize more than one damn planet.”

“Yeah that sounds like a bit of a downer.”

“You have no idea. Now, kid, show me what you got.”


	4. Existential Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Who have seriously been doing this show for over six years now.

“I can’t believe Goku had a sister, I wish he’d told me before!” Chi-Chi placed a pot of rice on the table, “It’s been so wonderful having you bring back my Gohan, I haven’t seen him this happy in months! Or at all, because of that damn green pri-”

“Well, uh, to be fair...I am sort of responsible for Kakarot’s death, and, uh, kidnapped...Him to be...Begin with…” Tamata admitted. Chi-Chi glared. Tamata smiled, “But it’s always good to spend time with family, right, Gohan?”

“You have serious issues,” Gohan told her.

“You have no idea.”

INTRO TITLE

\---

_ Months have passed, and Tamata has brought Gohan home, to train him in the ways of the Saiyans, and, for whatever reason, further his education, because, yeah, sure, that’ll help him train for the genocidal super-beings intent on eradicating the planet. _

“Oh come on you’re the ONE person who actually knows what I’m up to!”

_ Yeah well you break the flow of the show. _

“Isn’t that the point? I’m not here to coddle these idiots by letting them do whatever it is they were up to, I’m here to break the mold, create new solutions and present a new point of view. You know what? I don’t have to take this. There are other narrators. I’m appealing to the author.”

_ Wait, what? You can’t do that! _

“The hell I can’t! Hey! Writer-man! We gotta talk about this narrator. I gotta put up with enough crap from the rest of the cast, I don’t need an omniscient, disembodied voice acting like just because I’m a fan-written genderswap, I can’t contribute to the franchise.”

((Well to be fair this isn’t exactly one of my better pieces.))

_ Wait you can talk? _

((I mean yeah it’s my fanfiction I can do whatever I want. See?))

_ I’m a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout. _

“Well, if you can genderswap me, you can genderswap the narrator, or something!”

((I mean, the narrator’s part of the show, and you were really the only thing I intended to change, and just sort of see where everything went.))

“Please, let’s be real you don’t really care about continuity. I mean, come on, I bring Gohan back to his hometown? Why would I even care about Gohan?”

((You wanted to keep him safe, protecting the only basis for your plan to resurrect your species? Also because you wanted to be involved in a home life that was based on love, however corrupted, rather than the overbearing machismo hyper-masculine culture that has long repressed you, judging you entirely on your gender and cultural station, both of which have no scientific basis and is shaped only on the prejudices of existing institutions that you have taken upon yourself to rebel against?))

Tamata stared at the sky.

“I still want a new narrator.”

((Oh what are you gonna do, strike? Make me find a new Tamata? Oh please.))

Tamata scowled, and took a breath.

“I’ll write reviews on all your other fanfictions.”

Silence.

((You drive a hard bargain, fictional character of my own creation. And you have a deal.))

_ Wait what? No! You can’t do this to me! _

_ Hi! I’m the new narrator! Where were we? _

_ No! This isn’t possible, I’m the narrator from the show, you can’t replace me! _

_ Yeah, well, I’m the narrator of everything else the author’s written since 2014, and I’m being brought in to replace you. So, if you would, hand over the script and your notes, and clear out your desk by three, all right?  _

_ You bi- _

((All right, yeah, I see your point, Tamata, this guy’s gotta go.))

_ Woah! Hey! Put me down! I’m the narrator! That’s like firing the narrator from the Stanley Parable! YOU NEED ME! DO YOU HEAR ME! I’LL BE BACK! _

((Sorry about that.))

_ No problem. These things happen. _

((All right, so while I have you here, what do you think of the Yamcha ship? I’m still undecided, I mean, he’s not really different from the rest of the cast, just weak.))

_ I mean I know what you have planned for it, and I think it’s good but it needs work. It just doesn’t fit well, especially with the way things turn out with the Bulma-Vegeta thing. I don’t think it’s an overnight ship sort of deal, the characters wouldn’t let any of them down if you really think about how they’d react in the show to a pairing like that. _

“Wait are you talking about shipping ME? With some guy called Yamcha? I gotta admit, I’m not comfortable with that.”

_ Yeah it gets real weird once you break the fourth wall. _

((Super awkward, but listen, what I’ve got in mind, he turns out to be a really sweet guy. Very supportive, but it’s a journey for him. He goes through a lot, and you two find strength in one another. It’s a bit sappy, but not sickeningly so. Also, he’s super cute.))

“Huh. That does sound pretty good, actually. But I’m just not sure if I’m ready for a relationship, and I don’t like the idea of one being forced on me.”

((Yeah, I know, I hear you. I don’t want to force anything on you, either, which is why I asked for feedback on the idea. On the one hand, he sticks pretty closely to the fragile masculinity trope. But on the other hand, that kind of plays into what I had in mind, with Yamcha’s ‘Feminist awakening’ making him a better-and even stronger-person, and character, rather than the bit role he is in the show and in the, um, show.

But let’s be real, this whole thing is about you, Tamata. Like I said, you were the only thing I intended to change, and I want you to be there for all the major events. I want to illustrate how, with more diverse representation, DBZ could have had stronger characters and less formula. Break the mold and get a flood of content sort of thing.))

_ You’re getting a bit preachy here. _

((Shit, yeah, I know, and I didn’t want to do that, either. Sorry, I’m talking a whole bunch and dominating this conversation, please, I want to know what you think. You both are a part of this, too.))

“Well I like the idea of more Saiyan women. There’s not a lot of us in the history books, and that really sucks.”

_ And also, the only character change is the narrator and one villain-turned-protagonist? You can make more changes than that. _

((Yeah but the point of the fic is-))

_ Who cares? Have fun with the characters, do something new! People have been watching Dragonball Z for literally over twenty years. The franchise could do with some shaking up. Just not too much, or we end up with a Dragonball Evolution. _

“What’s that?”

((You don’t want to know. All right, well, what kind of changes? Make Freeza actually a woman instead of the whole androgynous thing?))

“What about a new plotline?”

((Eh I’m not that invested.))

“Oh good to know the entity that controls my entire existence cares so damn much.”

((Listen you’re just gonna get forgotten about in like, three days, and sit around until I *might* update you in like two years, so don’t be too snide. Enjoy the time you’ve got.))

_ Well how about expanding on an existing plotline? _

((The Freeza Saga’s pretty well paced and the Majin Buu sagas are insufferable.))

_ That leaves the Android-Cell sagas, doesn’t it? You’ve already introduced Gero early. _

((That’s a good point. But we’re starting to get into spoiler territory. We should get back to the fic.))

_ All right, so where were we again? _

“I just kidnapped Gohan from Piccolo.”

_ Right. What were you going to do? _

“Bring him back home, train with him?”

_ Hmmm. That needs more explanation, we should do an episode on that. _

((Hey aren’t I the one writing this thing?))

_ I’m just Saiyan. _

“That’s not funny.”

((It’s really not.))

_ Oh come on they do it in the show! _

((It’s not funny there either. Which is the joke.))

_ Oh. Okay, well, still. We should start with Tamata bringing Gohan home. _

((Yeah that’s a good point, let’s start there.))

INTRO TITLE

\---


	5. The Family that Trains Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Mahogany.

Tamata landed with Gohan in one hand before the boy’s home.

“You’re...Bringing me home? Why?” Gohan asked. Tamata let him down.

“Because, Gohan, you have something that few Saiyans ever have had.”

“What’s that?”

“Something resembling stability. Remember how powerful I was in comparison. Now imagine how powerful Vegeta and Nappa are. They had formal training, resources, people dedicated to their betterment. It’s one thing to push yourself, remove all distractions and focus entirely on developing your power, but there’s more than one way to achieve power.”

“And what’s that?”

“Knowledge.”

Gohan’s eyes went wide, “No way.”

“So on top of training, and learning how to fight like a true Saiyan warrior-”

“No, no, no!”

“You are going to hit the datapads-”

“NO NO NO NO!”

“And the training mat.”

“...What?”

“Ever hear of Space Chess Boxing?”

“...Space Chess?”

“And Space Boxing. Well, more like Space MMA.

“Well, here, we just call them Chess and MMA.”

“Wow, so it’s not Earth Chess or Earth MMA? Self-centered pricks. Like, wow, way to assume the whole damn universe revolves around you, I mean, seriously! Nobody’s even heard of Ee-arth, but obviously you’re all special enough that you’re the standard, aren’t you!”

“Umm…”

“Arrogant little half-monkeys.”

INTRO TITLE

\---

“Gohan? GOHAN! You’re back!” Chi-Chi was suddenly upon her son, squeezing him.

“Hi-GYURK! Mom! It’s-Cough-Good to see you, too!”

“You’re going right back to the books and we’ll have that GPS tracking chip in your neck by the end of the week!” she promised.

“Uh, hello, erm, human-woman,” Tamata said. Chi-Chi looked up.

“Oh, hello! Are you the one who brought my baby boy back to me?”

“I am.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, stranger! It’s so good to find that there are people out there with some common decency!” Chi-Chi bowed repeatedly to her.

“Uh, yeah. No problem…”

“She’s also my evil aunt who kidnapped me to begin with,” Gohan pointed out. Chi-Chi’s beaming switched to a cold, hard glare, and she hissed,

“Say what?”

“And she wants to train me to fight alongside her against her mercenary comrades,” he continued.

“Is that a fact?”

“And is responsible for Dad’s death.”

Chi-Chi’s aura was that of a cold, purple flame. Tamata’s expression remained stoic and nonplussed as she shrugged, and said,

“I’m also an accomplished multi-discliplinary scientist and accomplished engineer with specializations in applied and theoretical physics, with numerous interstellar certifications and several well-regarded patents. I understand you’re looking for a tutor for Gohan?”

Chi-Chi’s glare melted, “What, I couldn’t possibly afford-”

“Please, we’re family, I couldn’t possibly charge you. After all,” Tamata looked down at the shuddering Gohan and grinned, “What’s more important than the learning of our children?”

“Well, why didn’t you say so! Welcome to the family!” Chi-Chi chirped, “Are you hungry?”

“Famished.”

“Excellent, if you’re anything like your brother you’ll be eating up a storm in no time flat! And I’ll show you what books I’ve been having Gohan read, you can get started today!”

“I have a particular curriculum in mind,” Tamata assured her, “One of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Over dinner, of course.”

“Certainly! Come on, Gohan, let’s prepare a room for your auntie-ah...I didn’t catch your name.”

“Tamata, and yours?”

“I’m Chi-Chi. I have to say it’s been terribly difficult since Goku died and Gohan disappeared.”

“But mom! She killed dad!”

“Hush, Gohan, your father will be back as soon as his friends gather the Dragonballs. If we turned away every person who’s ever fought your father, then we’d have no friends at all.”

“But-”

Tamata interjected, “It’s quite alright, Gohan. I don’t expect you to accept these changes right away. It’s a big change for all of us, what with your dad gone, my taking a larger role in the family. But over time, we’ll come to appreciate each other, and before you know it, we won’t even recall why we were mad at each other to begin with.”

“You punched me in the side of my head.”

“You’re right. I was angry that you broke my things, but that was no excuse to express my anger by hitting you.”

“Okay, that was a massive tone shift with you right there.”

“Just give it a chance, Gohan. We have a lot to do in a short amount of time. Would you rather be spending these months at home, reminding you of what you’re fighting for, or with a green alien screaming ‘DODGE’ at you?”

Gohan shuddered.

“Dinnertiiiime!” Chi-Chi called out.

“Oh I hope she cooked bear hands!”

“You mean bear claws?”

Chi-Chi did not, in fact, cook bear hands, but that didn’t stop Tamata from eating consuming heaps of food no less impressively than her brother. In fact, to Chi-Chi’s astonishment and horror, she began eating with her bare hands, until Gohan poked her with his chopsticks, clacking them together to indicate she should use them. Tamata held up the chopsticks, and proceeded to stab her food with them. Inefficient and uncouth, but it worked.

“Tamata, that’s not how you use those…” Gohan pointed out, reaching to grab her hand. Before he could react, she stabbed a chopstick into the table between his hand and her food.

“Okay nevermind, we’ll work on that some other time,” he squeaked, and she kept eating.

“Gohan, you know not to get between your father and his food, why would you think it would be any different with your aunt?” Chi-Chi pointed out.

“That’s a good point,” he admitted, and tucked into his own bowls.

“So, Tamata, what were you thinking for Gohan’s tutoring?” Chi-Chi asked.

“Wew,” Tamata said, her cheeks stuffed full of noodles and dumplings, “I’m not sure if anyone told you, but your, erm, late husband is an alien.”

Chi-Chi sighed, “I always knew he was from another world…”

Tamta swallowed, “Which makes Gohan a half-Saiyan, half-Human. His mind and his body are intimately connected. I’m sure that you’ve seen Gohan restless and fidgety. The truth is, if you want Gohan to be properly stimulated, and to truly understand the world, he has to experience it in a way few creatures can. In order for Gohan to get the education he needs, he must exercise his mind and body, at once, as once.”

Chi-Chi scowled, “Are you suggesting that my son can only learn how to fight?”

“Oh no. I’m saying fighting and studying, together, will make him smarter. Stimulate his brain, allowing him to retain and apply his studies in a way books alone cannot. It’s how my father taught me.”

\---

_ Planet Vegeta, ten years ago _

“DESCRIBE THE SIZE OF THE MAGNETIC DIPOLE OF A LEPTON!” Bardock screamed, throwing punches at Tamata while she blocked, ducked, and weaved.

“THE DIMENSIONLESS MAGNETIC MOMENT OF THE PARTICLE TIMES THE FRACTION OF MAGNETIC CHARGE TIMES THE PLANCK CONSTANT DIVIDED BY THE SQUARE OF THE PARTICLE’S MASS!”

“WRONG!” Bardock punched her through a mountain.

\---

“Though I plan on being far more measured about it. Trust me, a properly physically and intellectually stimulated Saiyan will outpace anyone in their chosen fields. It’s a shame nobody caught onto it, maybe we wouldn’t be a race of idiots…”

“What?” Gohan said.

“I said I’ll have you passing your national tests in less than a year.”

“Oh delightful!” Chi-Chi declared, “Just so long as you’re not dragging him off to God knows where to fight God knows what, I think this is going to work out just fine!”

“Yeah!...We’re...Yeah, that...Shouldn’t...Be a problem, at all. Yeah. Hey got any more of those stuffed goey bread things?”

“Dumplings?”

“Yeah those things.”

\---

_ And so, Gohan’s new training under his aunt began the next day, filled with math, science, triple feint kicks, and ki blasts. You know what this means: MONTAGE! _

Gohan was on a cliff face with a pencil and paper, sketching pterodactyl babies, while the babies pecked at him.

\---

Gohan picked up mollusks off the seafloor while sharks nipped at his feet.

\---

Gohan recorded and interpreted traffic patterns while balancing on top of a traffic light.

\---

Gohan predicted velocity and direction of falling boulders, while falling on top of them.

\---

“Now Gohan. Fighting is not just raw power, speed, or strength. Some warriors will boast of honor or pride, but ultimately, none of these things matter but victory. To defeat your enemy, they must be crushed, unable to provide you a challenge, but you must also survive. And so, today, we are going to teach you the nature of ravines,” Tamata explained as she flew him over a gorge.

“That looks more like a GOOOOOOORGE!” he screamed as she dumped him into the formations below.

“Now Gohan! By the time you manage to crawl out of there, I want you to find each of your textbooks, which are scattered throughout. And I expect you to pass the quizzes on chapter four of each one by the time we get back home. Oh, and if I find you before then, we get to do it alllll over again, understand?”

Panting and wheezing, Gohan crawled out of the crevasse.

“No,” he snarled. Tamata raised her eyebrows.

“Say again?”

“I said no. I’m not doing it! The only difference between training under you and training under Mr. Piccolo is that when Mr. Piccolo threw rocks at me he wasn’t demanding I recite magnetic properties of subatomic particles! I’ve had it! I’m not putting up with this anymore, I want to go home!” he sniffed, “I want to see my mommy!”

Tamata studied the boy who was struggling to keep his composure, remaining defiant and strong in the face of an incomparably strong opponent.

“Hit me.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll take you home, right now, to a nice, warm meal cooked by your mother, if you manage to land one punch on me. I promise won’t hit you back, but if you can land a hit on me, we’ll go home. Or, you can crawl back into the crevasse, find your books, and study chapter four of each of them, and then we’ll go home then. The choice is-”

“RRRRRAAAAUGH!” Gohan flew in for a headbutt, but Tamata stopped out of the way. Gohan jumped towards her, kicking while she blocked, ducked, and weaved.

“Your self-righteous manipulations and callous outlook highlighted by your hypocrisies indicates fundamental self-loathing narcissist personality deficiencies imprinted on those weaker than you!” Gohan said.

“Say again?”

“You’re a stuck-up b***h!” he fired a Masenko at her, the explosion kicking up the dirt in a great brown cloud. Gusts of wind quickly dissipated it, revealing her jacket and shirt half-burned off and a black burn mark on her belly.

“Ack…That hurt…” she admitted.

“Oh! I...I did it! Hah! I did it!” Gohan cheered, and laughed. Tamata began to laugh,a s well, until her cackle overcame his.

“You’re getting further than I thought. Only been a couple of months, Gohan,” she said, and she stood straight, “That one actually stung.”

“Wait...So it didn’t…”

“Actually damage me? No. And neither of us are still as powerful as the Saiyans who are headed here. That’s why I’m pushing you, Gohan. That’s why every lesson is one in discomfort, why I’m forcing you to learn while acting. It will take so much more power to defeat them than we could possibly gather in the time we have.”

“So...What you’re saying is, you’re not teaching me how to fight them on their own terms, you’re teaching me how to fight on my own?”

“Precisely. They will always force you to act on their terms. If they get close and hurting you, learn every detail you can as quickly as possible. If they hit you, learn their pattern. If they’re flying at you, calculate their velocity and direction. Hide and search in a ravine. Use every scrap of knowledge you have to get the upper hand. Fight smarter, because there will always be someone more powerful, no matter what you do.”

“Yeah...Yeah, okay…”

“But having speed, strength, and power helps, like, a lot. So does pain tolerance. But you’re a boy. You’re only five. There’s only so much you can do. But you, me, and the Green one are all we have to defeat the Saiyans.”

“Well, there’s my dad’s friends! Krillin, Yamcha, Tien, and Chiaotsu!”

“You, me, and the Green one are all we have to defeat the Saiyans.”

“That’s fair. Wait, no, my dad! He’s training, too! We’re gonna wish him back with the Dragonballs!”

“Hmm, yeah. And if he’s training as hard as the rest of us, he just might have the raw power to pull it off. Yeah. We might stand a chance against them, then! And we’re only a couple of weeks away. Tell you what. Let’s take a day off. Rest up, and we're gonna work on a plan, Gohan. Just...Don’t tell your mother. She thinks I’m training you because fighting stimulates brain activity in Saiyans.”

“Well...You are, aren’t you?”

“It is true, and our family’s pretty brainy to begin with.”

“W-We are? But what about my dad?”

“I mean, hitting your head when you’re a baby...That can cause a lot of damage, even for a Saiyan. But my dad was an accomplished scientist and engineer, and my mother was a chemist. Mostly because it taught her how to cook in new and interesting ways, but, hey, cooking’s chemistry. Come on, Gohan. Let’s head home.”

“What about my books?”

“What’s the size of the magnetic dipole of a lepton?”

“The g-factor time the fraction of the magnetic charge times the Planck constant divided by the square of the particle’s mass?” he offered.

“Close enough. I got that one wrong, too. It’s four times the mass, not square.”

“Ohhhhh!”

“Yeah, you’ll be fine.”


	6. Patty-Cake Championship 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Yes, Nappa, we’re here.

“Stupid Saiyans always thwarting my plans and leaving me in these wastelands! Augh! Why is my life so HARD!” Piccolo fired another blast at a mountain, “Bad enough that I’m this green slug-demon thing, but now I can’t even look after one measly kid! Augh what is wrong with

“-Oh hey I got a friend request. Tamata? She’s the reason I’m in this mess! There’s no way I’m accepting her request! All of this is her fault! I don’t care how lonely I am!”

Piccolo’s defiance echoed, heard by no one but himself.

“Oh, who am I kidding.”

INTRO TITLE

\---

“So,” Piccolo stood on the plateau, arms crossed, facing Tamata. They stared at each other, the tension building as neither made the first move; a contest of wills, patience, and discipline.

Or, rather, an awkward staring contest. The wind blew dust by.

“We’re going to need your help fighting the Saiyans, Namekian.”

“Oh, let me guess, you want me to train the boy in the, what, week and a half we have left?”

“What? No, Gohan’s training is more or less as far as it’s going to get, another week’s not going to make a difference. Not when we have to prepare for the fight itself. I don’t like our chances of just standing around fighting them one by one like a bunch of jackasses. If we’re gonna win this fight we’re going to have to fight dirty.”

“So, like, more full nelsons?”

“Something like that. Do you have any wasteland locations that you’re intimately familiar with the topography of?”

Piccolo stared.

“Maybe a remote location where you spend most of your free time?”

Piccolo stared.

“Perhaps an isolated stretch of land that-”

“You know I’m fairly certain you’re making fun of me, but I can’t decide if this is just one of those unintentionally insulting things because you’re a tone-deaf moron like your brother, or if you’re just getting in as many blows as you can before I react.”

“Oh I’m definitely insulting you,” she admitted, “We should practice our plan in an area where we have the home field advantage as much as possible.”

“What are you planning, exactly?”

“Well since coming to Earth I’ve learned how to sense energy. Vegeta and Nappa, however, will not. If we’re patient, and clever, we can use hit and hide techniques on them as much as possible, instead of out in the open with plenty of room for them to fly around where they have the advantage.”

“And what if they just start exploding everything around us and level the whole region?”

“Then they’ll wear themselves out, and any of us who survive won’t have to contend with fully-powered Saiyans. Either way, if I can get into physical contact with either one, I have a couple of dirty tricks up my sleeve.”

“Ominous. Let’s hear what you’ve got.”

\---

“Gohan, on your guard! They’re coming right towards us!” Piccolo declared.

“Why would they be headed our way, again?” Gohan asked.

“They’re seeking to eliminate the strongest power level.”

“But Tamata is a cyborg, she can’t be sensed, and my dad’s dead...”

“Yeah I’m kind of wondering about that. But I was referring to me!”

“Oh. Well by that logic I suppose you would have the strongest sense-able power level on Earth.”

A distant “Hah!” echoed through the mountain range.

Krillin began to descend from the sky towards them, “Hi, guys. Krillin’s here!”

Piccolo grinned, “Oh, I thought I sensed someone else coming.  Good, it seems you’ve increased your power since we last met.”

Krillin beamed, “I know! Isn’t it great? I—”

“You’re almost as strong as Gohan now.”

“I… wait. B-but he’s only five?”

“It’s because I’m a Saiyan!” Gohan exclaimed.

“Speaking of Saiyans, I heard that Tamata’s still around. Is she…”

“Getting ready for the fight, yes,” Piccolo said, “Where are the other fighters?”

“They’re on their way. So, how was training with Piccolo and Tamata?”

“Oh it wasn’t so bad once you get used to it, and we weren’t even always training.”

\---

Weeks before, at an orchestra, Gohan, Chi-Chi, the Ox King, and Tamata are in their finest clothing. The Ox King and Gohan are in suits, Chi-Chi is wearing a silk dress, while Tamata wears a red sequin dress that does not match her bulky musculature. Tamata leaned back in her chair, her eyes wide open and pupils dilated. A faint, joyful whimper squeaked from her mouth.

“Is she OK?” Ox King asked, leaning over her. His voice was distant, a whim that was taken apart by the orchestra, and his shape was remade in the image of the music.

“I...I think this is supposed to happen?” Chi-Chi suggested, the colors of her dress shining out together in a rainbow.

“Mom, can we come back here again?” Gohan asked, in a barely audible breath. Tamata’s head rolled to Gohan, and they grinned at one another, their joyful laugh barely a gasp.

\---

“We’re a weird species,” Gohan admitted, “You, uh...Wouldn’t happen to have any Vivaldi on you, would you? I just need a couple of minutes.”

“Uh, no?”

“Don’t you hold out on me,” Gohan muttered.

“Weird.”

“I’ll say!” a new voice called out, and all three of them gasped at the sky with the sudden appearance of the two Saiyans.

“Hi,” Nappa greeted.

\---

Tamata watched the Saiyans float down toward the three fighters. Damn; the others hadn’t arrived yet. It was on them to delay the Saiyans as much as possible. Kakarot was on his way, and in order for the plan to work in full, they needed his power.

“Don’t die, you idiots,” she hissed.

“Plant the Saibamen,” Vegeta said.

“Oh balls,” she groaned. The shrieks of the Saibamen shook her to the bone. Not many good memories of those damn things.

“Wha-What’re those?” Piccolo demanded.

“ They’re cultivated life forms. All with the same power level as Tamata. That’s right; she was so weak, we could actually grow Tamatas!” Vegeta declared.

“And they’re gonna finish you off for dinner or lunch!” Nappa added.

“Oh god dammit Nappa, nobody’s going to get that.”

“As a matter of fact,” a newcomer said, and a bulky three-eyed human landed, “I did.”

“Oh goody, more of them. Who the hell are you?” Vegeta snarled.

“Look Vegeta! More bald people! The small one, two tall ones, and-uh-UH! Vegeta! Look! A Pokemon!” Nappa gawked at the tiny, pale human

“I’m not a Pokemon! I’m Chiaotzu! Chiaotzu!” he objected.

“Come on, isn’t this everyone? Start fighting, damn you, don’t just stand there like a bunch of slack-jawed idiots!” Tamata hissed, “If this doesn’t work we’re all dead!”

“Hey guys! I’m here now!” yet another human announced.

“It’s Yamcha!” Krillin shouted.

Tamata squinted, “Oh so that’s Yamcha? Hmm. Not bad. He’s a seven or so. Don’t care for his hair, but those are some nice scars. And that musculature, you could grind meat on-”

Then he was blown up by a Saibaman. She blinked.

“Well, there goes that ship.”

“Dammit!” Piccolo shouted, “Everyone scatter!”

“What?” the short bald human demanded.

“Just do it!”

The humans all ran into the wilds, finding caves and cliffsides to hide in.

Nappa began ordering, “Go Snuggles! Destroy, Foofoo! Cabbagehead, kill! Other Cabbagehead, also kill! Vegeta Junior-”

There was an explosion.

“VEGETA JUNIOR, NOOOO!”

“Finally!” she sighed as the fighters took to the canyon, and she made her way towards them. A Saibaman landed before her, and let out a shriek; she fired a blast from her normal hand, blowing it apart.

“Well that’s encouraging.”

“So! You found me! That’s….Very clever! But you made one fatal mistake! YOU KILLED YAMCHA! KRILLIN LIMIT BREAK!” Krillin shouted. He was in the open, surrounded by three Saibamen.

“That’s not!” she groaned, and started making her way towards him, but the human let out a blast that penetrated all three. Naturally, they all exploded.

“Oh. Outstanding.”

“Congratulations, you just destroyed the equivalent of three Tamatas,” Vegeta told him, flying up to the scorch marks.

“Yeah! What now you son of a bi-” Krillin started.

“Nappa here is worth five Tamata.”

“I-uh-What?”

“And I am worth fifteen Tamata.”

“I...Aw…”

“Aw, come on don’t get so down on yourself.  At least you’ve proven that YOUR Tamata is still stronger than our Tamata,” Nappa assured Krillin.

“I hate ALL of you!” Tamata snarled, “You know what!”

She fired a trio of blasts, the first two of which caught Nappa in the chest, and she landed between Krillin and the Saiyans.

“You’re-You’re still alive?!” Vegeta gasped.

“Aw! Vegeta! Tamata’s back!”

“I just said that, Nap-”

“She’s a ZOMBIE!”

Vegeta groaned.

“That’s right, Nappa! These idiots forgot rule number two,” Tamata said.

“Rule number two?” Nappa asked.

“DOUBLE TAP!” she blasted his chest, and followed through by punching him in the face, sending him reeling.

“Ahhhh, pretty good, Tamata. But you forgot rule seventeen,” Nappa pointed out, and he fired a mouth-blast at Krillin. Tamta jumped before it, and held out her hand. Normally, she wore a long black glove over her left arm up to her bicep. The hand ripped through the glove as it spun and inverted, the metal fingers peeling back to reveal the aperture beneath. It was a sort of gem, hooked up to wires. She held it out, and the battle was disrupted by a white flash. When it cleared, Nappa’s ki blast was gone, and the gem was glowing a faint red.

“Wh-What was that?” Krillin asked.

“Krillin? Rule one,” Tamata said.

“Rule one? What’s that?”

“Cardio.”

There was a pause.

“Cardio? Oh, you mean run!”

“GO!”

He ran.

“She’s a CYBORG zombie! That’s pretty cool, isn’t it Vegeta? I saw something like that at Saiyan University.”

“Hold on, you went to college?” Vegeta demanded. 

“Yup,” Nappa confirmed. 

“What the hell could someone like you possibly major in?”

“Wait, you didn’t know that? He was our legal guardian for over ten years! He’s got a degree in child psychology!” Tamata told him.

“WITH A MINOR IN PAIN!” Nappa charged, pounding Tamata back twenty feet with the collision, but not without her grabbing his arm and dragging him with her.

“Yeah, well, I took a few independent studies in the subject, myself,” she assured him, and jabbed her mechanical arm into his chest, and fired, blasting him back with the power of his own attack. Her mechanical hand spun and de-inverted, returning to normal as it snapped back into a fist. Nappa cracked his neck and rolled his shoulder.

“I gotta say, Tamata, I’m somewhat impressed. You might be worth actually calling a Saiyan,” Vegeta taunted. Tamata clenched her other fist.

“I don’t need you alive, Vegeta. Either of you. You’re just donors to the recreation of our species, but ultimately, nobody will remember your names.”

“Remember who you’re speaking to, woman! I am your Prince!”

“Prince of a dead race you haven’t lifted a finger to save! You were going to leave me for dead on this rock when I was struck down, but I have become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”

“If you choose to throw your lot in with this rock, fine, then let it be your grave, Tamata. But I can imagine quite a bit-and once you and these puny Earthlings and the Namekian are out of the way, I will be the undisputed power in the universe!”

“Does that make me Darth Vader?” Nappa asked.

“Nah, more like Tarkin,” Tamata said.

“That works, too! Hey Vegeta! I’mma firin’ when ready BLAUGH!” he fired another Ki blast from his mouth at her, but came in from the side, forcing her to take the punch. The two saiyans began to exchange blow for blow, block for block.

“Hey Nappa.”

“Hey Tamata.”

“Howya doin.”

“Pretty good. We went to a bug planet.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“It was. Vegeta was a prison-”

“NAPPA!” Vegeta shouted.

“Bitch.”

“God dammit Nappa!”

“Hey Nappa,” Tamata said.

“Yeah, Tamata?”

“Remember last time we fought?”

“Sure do. Galaxy Championship Twenty Ten.”

“Well guess what.”

“What?”

“I got some new rhymes. You don’t stand a chance.”

“Wait what-”

She smacked him into a cliff.

“WHO’S THE PADDY-CAKE CHAMP NOW, BITCH!” she shouted at him. Nappa pulled himself out of the rocks.

“What the hell happened to you? How did you get so strong! And what’s with the freaky robot arm!” Nappa demanded as she floated down to him.

“Well, you see, Nappa,” she grabbed him by the collar, and floated up over the canyon, “You’ve got to remember the Saiyan guidebook. Stronger every time we almost die and so on, and I had a pretty big hole in my chest after my fight with Kakarot.”

She pummeled him back into the ground, and landed above him.

“Then I was turned into a cyborg, so there’s that,” she kicked him back up onto a cliff, and he scrambled to his feet.

“And third, you wouldn’t be-LIEVE the rhymes they drop on this planet! Seriously, Nappa! It’s absolutely wonderful! Here. Let me show you. This one’s called Valse in F-Sharp Minor,” she started to hum the tune as Nappa re-engaged and they resumed exchanging blows, which ended with Tamata jabbing her robot arm into Nappa’s pectoral.

“AUGH MY TIT!”

“Emphasis on ‘Sharp.’”

She kicked him away, and he skidded to Vegeta’s feet.

“Alright. You know me. I like to have fun. Usually at Tamata’s expense. And coming to Earth was a lotta fun,” Nappa sat up, “But I’m big enough to admit that I miiiiight have been underprepared for this fight. I mean, just a bit.”

“You have no idea,” Tamata began charging another attack, pointing it at Vegeta and Nappa.

“Oh you think you can touch me with that pitiful attack?” Vegeta laughed. Tamata fired, engulfing them both in light. When it settled down, Vegeta was standing in front of Nappa, hands out and gloves seared from the blast. He grinned.

“Wow Vegeta! You really saved my bacon! That just goes to show the true power of friendship! And Friendship is mag-”

“Nappa, remember what I said about shivving you?” Vegeta warned.

“Shutting up.”

“I have to say, you’ve come a long way in a single year, Tamata. But you’ve forgotten your role! You are my servant, whelp, and I am your Prince! And I’m going to put you back in your place.”

“One ‘Kitchen’ or ‘Sandwich’ joke and I’m shoving my boot so far up your ass your new favorite flavor is going to be leather,” she warned.

“Oh please. In order to make my sandwich, you’d need to be a real woman.”

Tabitha took a breath through her nose, “All right. Forget the taste of leather. I’m tearing out your tongue through your esophagus.”

“Oh please. You don’t want a taste of this.”

She charged him.

\---

Krillin, Piccolo, Gohan, Tien, and Chiaotzu watched as Tamata and Vegeta fought, trading blows and blasts and getting further away.

“He’s...He’s toying with her! She doesn’t stand a chance!” Tien said through his teeth.

“Well...What about the other one?” Krillin said, “The big one? If we team up, we can take him together! If Tamata can beat him, so can we!”

“Are you sure about that?” Gohan asked.

“Come on, guys! What’s the worst that can happen? We can beat this guy! As a team! Team five star!”

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Chiaotzu admitted.


	7. Nappa's Worst Day Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Uziel! What does the document say about this fic’s word count? IT’S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!

SMACK!

POW!

Vegeta and Tamata skidded away from each other. She’d actually managed to land a couple of hits on him. Unfortunately, he’d managed to land a lot more on her, and she was clearly outmatched. She’d come so far. If she’d had a little more time, maybe if she’d trained under heavier gravity, she’d have passed him. Still, she wasn’t getting flattened without a second thought, the way these battles usually went. No, she was making him put effort into this fight. She was still losing, of course. She looked over her shoulder; Nappa was standing over the corpse of the bald man while the others stared.

“What the hell are you doing! Stop staring at him and kill him TOGETHER! I have my hands full here!” Tamata shouted.

“That’s a shame, considering you’ve got one less now,” Vegeta taunted.

“Wha-”

He tore off her cybernetic arm.

INTRO TITLE

\---

“So, uh...Guys? What seems to be your plan here?” Tamata demanded, clutching the stump, “Because I’m thinking running away’s a good option right about now.”

“Yeah, running’s a good plan, Piccolo. We should do that,” Krillin agreed.

“You’re wretched, Tamata. The moment the battle goes south, you turn tail and run! I was wrong, you’re no Saiyan!” Vegeta snorted.

“Could use a save here, guys! We’re all gonna die, I’m out of tricks!” Tamata told them.

“Wait, I’ve got one! Hope you don’t mind me borrowing this, Tien...SOLAR FLARE!” Krillin shouted, consuming the area in a sudden, searing white light that burned into their retinas.

“AUGH WHAT IS THAT!” Tamata shouted, “OH IT”S LIKE SEEING THE UNDERSIDE OF DODORIA’S FAT FLAPS!”

Krillin grabbed her as he, Piccolo, and Gohan went to hide in the canyon.

“Hide your power levels!” Piccolo commanded.

“Well, Nappa, this has all been thoroughly underwhelming,” Vegeta said, “And your fault.”

“Yeah, I gotta own up to this one,” he admitted.

“So, since this is all your fault, it’s your job to fix it, Nappa. You’re going to go out and eliminate every shred of resistance on this planet, or I’ll vaporize you.”

Nappa stared, “What?”

“You heard me. When we go looking for the Dragonballs, I don’t want an ounce of resistance from the locals. And if you don’t, I’ll break every bone in your body. I’m already sick of this planet, and your screwing around isn’t helping.”

“But Vegeta I-”

“Ten. Nine.”

Nappa flew off. Vegeta sighed.

“Finally. Silence.”

The wind blew. Not a sound besides it bounced through the canyon.

“Oh god this place is boring.”

\---

They found themselves in a tiny farming town. The locals gawked as they walked down mainstreet at the two short warriors, one of which had a tail; the green demon; and the giant one-armed amazon.

“Okay, so, we just got thoroughly thrashed in about...Twenty minutes,” Piccolo said, “We need a new plan.”

“We run,” Tamata said.

“Where?” Piccolo demanded.

“Doesn’t matter. They’ll hunt us down. We can’t stay in one place too long, they’ll find us. Even if we hide our power levels, we’re still the most powerful beings on the planet besides themselves.”

Another distant “HAH!” was ignored by all.

“Wait, most powerful being! That’s it! We don’t have to run and hide, Goku’s on his way right now! We don’t have to worry about the next few days, we just need to wait the next few hours until he arrives!” Krillin pointed out. A television in a store window interjected.

“The alien’s assault on the Combined Earth Forces has thusfar gone unchallenged, as it continues to tear through even our most advanced and stalwart military powers. His ruthlessness and efficiency is insurmountable; who knows what cruel, sadistic thoughts are going through his head while he callously slaughters Earth’s mightiest heroes?”

“Nappa’s having the time of his life right now,” Tamata said.

\---

“Weeee! Yeaaaaaaah! Wooooooooo!”

\---

“I’m running for my life and Nappa is having the time of his life. And I’m the one who won that fight! Dammit!” Tamata hissed.

“How...How long do you think they can hold him off?” Gohan asked.

“It’ll have to be long enough, Gohan,” Piccolo said, “Because if he finds us before Goku gets back, their sacrifice will have been for nothing.”

Gohan and Krillin hung their heads.

“Oh come on, I’m the one who did that first! You jackass, that’s my move!” Tamata yelled at the screen.

“Come on, we should get going, and stay away from populated areas. We don’t want to be tracked where people might get in the way,” Piccolo said.

“We wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt,” Gohan agreed.

“Yeah, I guess that, too,” Piccolo shrugged, “We won’t be able to fly. That would just make us easier to track. So we’ll have to walk.”

“Or we could steal one of those internal combustion vehicles. Not like it’s got any real power to it, and if it explodes none of us will get hurt,” Tamata pointed out.

“But that would be stealing!” Gohan objected.

“Well it’s steal a vehicle, we hike into the wilderness, or we all die,” Tamata pointed out, “Besides, who’s going to stop us?”

“But how does it make us any better than the bad guys?” Gohan asked.

“Gohan, up until a year ago, Piccolo and I were both on self-driven quests of destruction. We ARE bad guys,” she told him, “Just because we’re fighting evil does not make us good.”

“...Oh…”

Tamata stood in front of a truck, which skidded to a halt.

“Hey are ya crazy bitch what the hell d’ya think ye’re doing I coulda flattened ya something fierce!” the driver rambled at her as she approached the door.

“We’re taking your truck, she opened the door.

“Augh! Protect me, gun!”

There was a gunshot as he pulled a weapon on her, but she grabbed it out of his hands, bent the barrel, and tossed it aside, then tore the driver out of the truck.

“Which one of you knows how to drive one of these?” she asked the others.

“I could, but I can’t reach the pedals,” Krillin admitted. Tamata grumbled, and sat in the driver’s seat while the others piled in, Piccolo in the bed of the truck.

“This is so beneath me,” he grunted.

“Get over it,” Tamata told him, and took off. They drove into the countryside, passing the occasional emu farm. Krillin turned on the radio, and country music started playing. Tamata turned it off, then ripped the radio out of the dash, tossing it onto the road.

“Okay, no radio then,” he conceded. They continued in silence, until the siren of a police car disrupted it.

“Uh, we should pull over. It’s the cops,” Krillin said.

“Why?”

“Because we’ll attract attention if we don’t. Besides, I’m already on probation and I’m out of state.”

“Why are you on probation?” Gohan asked.

“I live with Master Roshi, that’s basically grounds for house arrest right there. The guy’s got so many restraining orders they basically apply to me by default.”

Tamata pulled over, and the police approached, guns out. Tamata stuck her head out the window, raised her arm, blew up their car with an energy blast, and drove off, stranding the police officers with no means of communication.

“Wow…” Gohan looked at his feet, “We really are the bad guys…”

More silence.

“Adults disappoint, Gohan. It doesn’t stop,” Tamata told him, “But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to learn from them. You just...You just have to learn how to sort what’s crap and what’s real.”

“Is that what ‘growing up’ means?”

“Nobody grows up. They just get bigger.”

“Wow. You’re like a constant bummer, huh?” Krillin said.

“I would like to point out that I’m one of the last remaining members of my species, and I dislike literally every other survivor. And so far, the species that is the one hope for mine hasn’t exactly endeared itself, either. Sorry if I’m not exactly cheery.”

They rode in silence, driving further and further away from civilization. Eventually, it was difficult to describe their path as a road, as it was starting to get overgrown and rocky. It wasn’t even clear that they were on land that was owned, as any signs of inhabitation had long been left behind. The truck objected to the road with a CLUNK as it ran something over, veered to the right, and Tamata brought it to a full stop.

“We’re on foot now,” she told them.

“How do we know if my dad’s come back?” Gohan asked.

“We won’t. Unless Vegeta and Nappa finds us,” Tamata said.

“That’s your plan? Hide in the mountains and hope that Goku is able to beat the Saiyans, and crawl out when the fighting’s cleared?” Piccolo asked.

“More or less. I can take Nappa, but I don’t stand a chance against Vegeta, especially without my arm. It was the one thing that gave me any remotely like a chance against him, and now it’s gone.”

“But Goku might need our help!” Krillin pointed out.

“We can’t help him if we’re dead!” Tamata retorted.

“We might as well be if we do nothing at all!” Piccolo said. Tamata sighed.

“You’re right. Kakarot stands a better chance if we’re helping. How long have we been driving?”

“I don’t know, you ripped out the only thing with a clock,” Krillin said, “But, I dunno, like, three hours, I guess? Goku was supposed to get back today.”

“Then we’ve bought enough time. Let’s set up another trap. Bait Nappa and Vegeta here, and inflict all the damage we can. You guys have any techniques you’ve been itching to work with?”

“I got the Special Beam Cannon. I managed to get the charge time down to thirty seconds, too,” Piccolo said.

“Oh ho-ho yeah, I got a good one,” Krillin nodded.

“Good. I’ll tie them up, and try not to miss. Or commit sweeping genocide? Keep it to a reasonable major extermination,” Tamata requested.

“No promises,” Piccolo told her.

“Fair enough.”

They made their way to a mountain with plenty of hiding spots, and Piccolo, being the strongest, powered up to get Nappa’s attention. Piccolo’s yell echoed, and the birds and animals started to chatter in agitation. Minutes passed, though, and the sounds of the animals died down. The sounds of the winds in the cliffsides became a white noise, becoming a kind of silence unto itself.

Piccolo spoke up, “Where are they? There’s no way they could have missed-”

“Found you!” Nappa slammed his elbow onto the top of Piccolo’s head, planting him on the ground.

“What the HELL, he took you down in one blow?! Why did I even bother!” Tamata yelled.

Gohan ran to the Namekian, “Mister Piccolo! Please wake up! You have to stop him!”

Piccolo mumbled something incoherent.

“Don’t worry Gohan! Goku has never let us down! I’m sure he’ll be here any second!” Krillin insisted.

“Screw Kakarot, I’ve got this!” Tamata charged Nappa, but just before she landed a blow on Nappa, Vegeta planted his foot on her face, smacking her down next to Piccolo, and her world became singing birdies and bright, dancing lights. They were some pretty mad, birds, too, what with all the screaming and crying and maniacal laughter.

The orchestral laser show that was Tamata’s brain carried down to a decrescendo, and things started coming back into focus. The Namekian was toast. Well, burnt toast. The short human was writhing on the ground, Gohan was being held by Kakarot, Nappa didn’t have a shirt and-

“Ka...Kakarot?” she muttered.

“Woo hoo! Thank you Kame ex machina!” Krillin cheered as he nibbled on a bean.

“Hey! Which one of you did all this?” Goku demanded.

“That was me, totally calling it! I killed every single one of them- except the Chiaotzu, he blew himself up!” Nappa shouted. Goku trembled, and rocks floated into the air as he powered up, winds rushing around him to accent the display of raw power.

“Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his power level?” Nappa shouted.

Vegeta pressed a button on his device, “It’s…one thousand and six.”

“Wha- really?”

“Yes. Kick his ass nappa!”

“Yaayy-OOOWWW! Ow ow ow ow!  Dah!  Dah!  Doh!  Doh!  Doh!  Doh!  Doh!”

“That doesn’t seem right,” Vegeta muttered as Goku trounced Nappa around the field. Tamata laughed, and he looked down at her.

“You’re still alive?” he remarked.

“And you still keep messing with the settings, despite not knowing what they do, aren’t you, Vegeta?”

“That one doesn’t bend that way.  My arm doesn’t bend that way!” Nappa shouted, followed by a gory CRACK as his bone snapped in two, “OW! NOW IT DOES!”

“What? Oh, dammit! Wait, wait wait wait!  NAPPA!” Vegeta shouted to him.

“Whaaaaaaaaat?”

“I had the scouter upside-down. It’s over nine thousand. Rah,” Vegeta said, crushing the device.

“Then why do you sound so bored?” Nappa asked.

“Because it’s still not a threat…”

“But-”

“...to me!”

“Hey, Kakarot,” Tamata called out.

“Oh hey you’re here!” Goku looked to her.

“Sorry about kidnapping your son and trying to kill you,” she said.

“Eh, it’s cool. A lot of my friends used to do that sort of thing.”

“Yeah, I gathered as much.”

“You want a sensu bean?”

“What’s a sensu bean?”

“It’s a magic healing bean.”

Tamata stared for a moment, “Oh, wait, you’re serious.”

“I never joke about food.”

“You’re dad’s son, all right. Yeah, I’ll take a bean.”

“Krillin?”

“SENSU BEAN!” Krillin threw a bean at her. She caught it, and swallowed it. Suddenly, the intense throbbing and pain where Vegeta hit her dissipated, the dancing lights disappeared, and the bringing in her ears quieted down. She managed to find the coordination to get back on her feet.

“Oh, man, Vegeta, this is gonna be a tough fight, even for the both of us,” Nappa said, “I’m not sure if our reps will hold up after this one.”

“That won’t matter. Once we get the dragon balls we’ll just wish for immortality! Then no one will be able to stop us.”

“Wait, what? But you killed Piccolo…” Goku said.

“And your point is...?”

“Well, if he’s dead, the dragon balls don’t work.”

“Wh...what?”

Nappa let out a chuckle, “Oh and I totally killed that guy. Oh well at least we still had fun getting here, right, Vegeta? Vegeta? Remember the bug planet? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vege-”

Nappa’s scream died on his lips as Vegeta blasted him into a crispy corpse. Vegeta grinned into the sky.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> They appreciate banjos.

“Ahahahahah! He’s gone! He’s finally gone! I’m so happy right now! I might not even slaughter you all!” Vegeta laughed.

“Re-Really?” Krillin said.

“Ahahaha! No. You’re all thoroughly screwed.”

“Awww…”

“Vegeta, Vegeta, Vegeta,” Tamata shook her head, “What did I say about Rule Two? Double Tap. You didn’t make sure that I was dead. Now, you have to deal with both me AND Kakarot, and even with one arm? The two of us, together, are more than a match for you.”

“Gohan, Krillin, you should go. Tomato and I can take Vegeta, get as far away as you-Krillin? Where’d you go?” Goku looked around for his friend; the human was already taking off, screaming all the while. He looked down to his son, “Gohan, follow Krillin. Get home to your mother.”

“Right, Daddy. Is there anything you want me to tell her?” he asked.

“Yes, Gohan. Tell her,” he flicked his nose, grinning, “To put dinner on.”

Goku turned to face Vegeta, “‘Cause I’m hungry.”

The three Saiyan warriors engaged in a staredown.

“If she has any of those pork dumplings? Those are awesome,” Tamata said to Gohan just before he took off.

\---

_ Meanwhile, on King Kai’s planet. _

King Kai took a breath, “So, the fight is about to begin. The showdown between the Saiyan Elite and the low-class warrior, trained by me, with his sister, converted into a mighty cyborg through the miracle of science.”

King Kai looked to the orange sky, which reflected off his glasses.

“Takin’ all bets, guys! Takin’ all bets!”

Bubbles the monkey hollered, holding a fistful of Zeni.

“Yargh! I bet 50 gold doubloons on the short one,” the disembodied pirate said.

“Uh, sir, is this really appropriate? If Goku loses, the entire Earth could be destroyed,” Gregory the cricket pointed out. A large mallet appeared in King Kai’s hand.

“You were saying?” King Kai threatened. Gregory gave pause.

“D’ah. 1,000 zeni on Goku.”

_ Hey, can I get in on this?  _

“Wait a second! Don’t you already know the outcome of the fight?” King Kai demanded.

_ N-nnnnooooooo. _

“Well, all right. What’s your bet?”

_ I’ll bet that Tamata pulls a hat trick that saves the day, but Vegeta gets away. _

“Hah! All right, if you say so, I’ll take your money. Hey, what happened to the old narrator?”

_ The writer didn’t want him violating AO3’s terms and conditions. _

\---

“You really believe you can fight me? After the beating I just gave you? You’ve chosen this world as the grave of your whole family!” Vegeta said.

“Listen. We don’t have to do this, you know. If you leave now and promise to never come back, I’ll let you go. And we can stop this meaningless bloodshed,” Goku told him.

“It’s not too late for you, Vegeta, or our people. Go in peace, and you might see the day our species reborn,” Tamata said.

“Such trite! Where’s your Saiyan pride, children of Bardock? We are proud warriors! Bred to fight and conquer. This planet has made you soft, Kakarot, and you’ve let your delusions break your spirit,” Vegeta replied. Tamata clenched her fist, and scowled at him. Goku remained relaxed, but at the ready.

“Are you sure about this? ‘Cause even if you’re a little sorry-”

“No! I’m not sorry!”

“Are you absolutely sure you-”

“Yes! I am entirely sure! I’m going to obliterate you and the rest of this planet myself with my own two-”

“KAIO-KEN!” Goku shouted.

“Kaio what-?” Vegeta and Tamata said together, and Goku’s aura started to glow a beet red. Goku charged Vegeta, and they began to exchange blows.

“Hey Vegeta!” Tamata called up to him.

“WHAT!”

“RULE TWENTY-FIVE!” she started firing energy blasts at him, catching him in the chest and blasting him away from Goku, leaving him smoking and panting.

“Okay, not bad. But still nothing compared to me. Now witness the power of a Saiyan elite!” Vegeta said.

“Elite? What’s that mean?” asked Goku.

“He thinks he’s better than us,” Tamata floated up to join them, “Just because of who our parents were. But all it means is his ego’s bigger.”

“It means I’m of an upper-” Vegeta started.

“It means you’re a prick!” Tamata blasted him again. Vegeta seathed.

“I’m going to start beating you now. I don’t when I’ll stop.”

Goku shrugged, “Hopefully before dinner. Because I told Gohan to tell Chichi that-”

Vegeta headbutted Goku in the face. Vegeta exchanged punches and kicks with the sibling warriors; it was clear that Vegeta was putting more focus and speed into his fighting, especially when he grabbed Goku by the hair and slammed him into Tamata.

“Hah! What’s wrongt? Can’t keep up? I told you, Kakarot. There’s no way you can measure up to an elite like me! You’re fighting a losing battle here! You might as well just surrender this pathetic planet now and-”

“KAIO-KEN TIMES THREE!” Goku shouted.

“Times wha-” Vegeta and Tamata said together. Goku kicked Vegeta into a rock face, instantly creating a cave.

“Hey are you okay in there?” Goku called to him.

“Yah. I’m fan-f**king-tastic. Nothing but gumdrops and ice cream in here.”

“Kakarot-” Tamata said.

“Why do you keep calling me that?” 

“Huh? It’s your name!”

“No it’s not.”

“Of course it is!”

“No, my name’s Goku. Just because my biological parents named me Kakawhat doesn’t mean you get to call me that, because I’ve built a life, here, on Earth, as Goku.”

“I-what?”

“Listen, just because we’re siblings or whatever doesn’t mean you’re my family. My name is Goku, not Cocoapuff.”

“That’s...Fair, I guess?”

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” Vegeta said, floating out of the cave, “I thought we were busy ensuring your doom by my hand.”

“Shut up, you’re not part of this,” Tamata snapped.

“I grow weary of your insolence! I AM VEGETA, PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!” he screamed.

“Aww, sounds like somebody’s got an ice cream headache!” Goku tsked.

“THAT’S IT! EVERYONE DIES! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR PLANET, KAKAROT!”

“Hey, did you not hear what I just said to Potato?”

“I DON’T CARE! I’M F**KING EVIL! GALICK GUN…”

“Oooh! Did he say garlic-”

“Goku!” Tamata snarled, charging an energy blast.

“Oh man! KA… ME… HA… ME…”

“FIIIIIIIREEEE!” Vegeta screamed as he unleashed his attack.

Goku unleashed his blast with a, “HAAAAAAAA!” and the blue wave smashed into Vegeta’s blast. Tamata kept to the side, putting all she had into charging her attack.

“This is the end, Kakarot! You don’t stand a chance! I put all my power into this attack! Now perish, with the rest of your pathetic world!”

“Hey Vegeta!” Tamata called out. He looked over his shoulder at her.

“Keep your eye on the birdie!” Tamata blasted him square in the face, causing him to drop his attack, and be blasted into the sky by Goku’s Kamehameha. Tamata and Goku panted, watchign the sky clear of the blasts and residual light.

“Hah-HAAAAAH! Suckerrrrr!” Tamata cheered, “Hey! Kaka-I mean, Goku! Do you...Do you think we did it? Did we get him? Oh, please tell me we killed that son of a bi-”

\---

“-itch!” Vegeta screamed, “This can’t be happening! I’m the prince! I’m supposed to be the best by default! I’ll show that little bastard! I’ll become the mighty Oozaru and crush him into the- Where’s the moon? WHERE’S THE DAMN MOON?!”

\---

“No, I can still sense him,” Goku said.

“Oh, balls…” Tamata groaned, “I’m exhausted…”

“I still have a few Kaio-Kens in me,” Goku said.

“The Kaio-what?”

“Kaio-Ken. It’s like a big power-up. I learned it when I was dead.”

“Oh, that explains everything.”

“Vegeta won’t be able to take much more of those as it is. You should go, there’s no point in you staying if you’re out of energy,” Goku pleaded. Tamata looked up at the sun, where Vegeta was floating down towards them.

“No, Goku. Vegeta’s got one more trick,” Tamata said, and she uncurled her tail from around her waist, “I’m not sure which of us will be more dangerous when he pulls it.”

“Very clever, Tamata! I’d taken you for a fool but it seems you’re far more cunning than you let on! But destroying the moon won’t stop me! We’ve learned to create artificial moons that supply the necessary power-”

“Question!” Goku called out.

“What?”

”Are they made of cheese?”

Tamata sighed, “You know, Vegeta, there’s literally one reason I didn’t blow up this planet when I arrived. So no matter how mad I am at you, I just want you to know, I’m not mad that you want to blow up Earth. I really wouldn’t be that mad.”

“I’m going to enjoy this far more than I should,” Vegeta said, and he threw an artificial moon into the air, “Now watch, as your life becomes inconsequential as I reveal my giant monkey-”

“Only if I get to show you mine!” Tamata shouted at him, wiggling her tail, and they both started to twist and grow into a new form. Vegeta’s armor stretched and moved with his body, through Tamata’s clothes were simply torn off. Tamata roared, and charged the rival before her, smashing Vegeta with a boulder. Vegeta slammed his fist on her good arm, and jabbed her in the solar plexus, causing her to step back.

“They’re huge! That means they’ll only be stronger, but not as fast!” Goku surmised. Vegeta landed next to Goku, and started chasing him.

“OhGodthey’restillasfast! He’s too powerful! I have to come up with a plan! Wait! I know! I just have to think like a monkey! Hmmm…” Goku took a moment to think while Vegeta and Tamata locked arms and wrestled. Goku concentrated, and in his heart of hearts, heard the cheers of a monkey,, “Hey! It’s working!”

_ “No, that’s just Bubbles. Get off my back, Bubbles!”  _ King Kai replied, smacking bubbles off, “ _ Goku, listen, there’s only one way to stop them! You have to use the Spirit Bomb!” _

“On it!” Goku said.

_ “And whatever you do, make sure you’re very well hidden! It’s going to take a lot of time to gather up all that energy! Let Tamata and Vegeta fight it out while you gather what you nee-” _

Goku let out a scream as the rocks around him exploded.

\---

“Why does this keep happening?! You’re just a low-class wench! There’s no way you should be able to match me as an Ozaru!” Vegeta snarled, gripping Tamata’s arm and trying to handle her with his other hand, but she kept slipping out and hitting him.

“Maybe it’s because the classist institutions your father built to justify his racist policies are full of shit,” Tamata said, to Vegeta’s horror. She yanked back with her whole arm, and drop-kicked him in the chest, sending him into a mountain.

“Or maybe I’m just a badass bitch,” she supposed, stalking over to Vegeta.

“This doesn’t make any sense! You’re low-class! You can’t talk!” he insisted, “You can’t match me! You’ve always gone mad as an Ozaru!”

“You know, I used to think that, too. Everything just got a little fuzzy, and I just went nuts. But can you say the word ‘Psychosomatic’?” she kicked him in the chest, and picked him up by the hair, “It’s a big word that means ‘If you believe bullshit hard enough, your body believes it, too.’ And you and Nappa fed me a lot of bullshit over the years.”

She kept punching the same part of his ribs over and over.

“I used to think it was me! That I was crazy! That I was weak! But what I realized, when I became Ozaru just now, is that all the other times, I was there. In my head. I let myself go, because I thought that’s what I was. Because you convinced me of that, Vegeta. Because of alllll the bullshit you fed me, and who was I gonna believe? There was nobody LEFT!”

She slammed her fist into his jaw.

“And you just rolled over like a dog for Freeza, kept me at the bottom as your little punching bitch!”

She kneed him in the stomach.

“Well who’s the little punching bitch, now, Vegeta?”

“Is...Is it me…?”

“GOLD STAR!” she smashed his head into a rock, “You win a prize! Wanna know what it is?”

“...Is it a beating?”

“You win again!”

She gave him his prize. When Vegeta stopped making any movements beyond a few twitches, she jumped into the air, grabbing the false moon and landed. As she stood over Vegeta, she crushed it in her hand, forcing both of them back into their normal forms. Vegeta wheezed and groaned. Tamata pelted him with the device.

“HuOWithurts…’

“Using my father’s technology to try to kill us. Look at you, beaten and broken at the height of your power. It really sucks to be you right now, Vegeta.”

She placed her foot on Vegeta’s throat.

“It’s about to suck a whole lot more. Then it’s not gonna matter.”

She pressed down, and Vegeta gagged, fighting against her, but she pressed down with her weight.

“Tamata wait!” Goku called out. She stopped pressing harder, but didn’t let up any.

“What is it?” she demanded.

“Vegeta! Are you sorry?” Goku asked. Tamata lifted her foot. Vegeta spat and gagged.

Vegeta spat blood, “Wha-What?”

“If you say you’re sorry, Vegeta, then you can leave.”

“You can’t be serious…” Vegeta wheezed.

“I kind of have to agree,” Tamata said.

“But Tangerine, if he’s sorry-truly sorry-there’s nothing we can do,” Goku insisted.

“I’m sorry. Yep, totally sorry. I just feel terrible.”

“Let him go, Tamata,” Goku instructed. She took her foot off, and Vegeta recalled his pod.

“Yeah. Okay,” she said. She looked down at the ground where Vegeta had bled, and picked up a strip of loose cloth, soaking up the blood.

“Oh yes,” Vegeta started climbing into his pod, “I’m very, very, very sorry…THAT YOU’RE ALL STILL ALIVE! SUCKERRRRS! AH-HAHAHA-HA-OH IT HURTS TO LAUGH!”

Tamata pointed her hand at Vegeta’s pod.

“Pow. Just, bam. One shot. Be done with him forever.”

“Tamarind! You promised!”

“All right, Kakarot, if you want me to call you Goku you’re gonna have to get my name right from now on!”

_ And so our heroes looked towards the sky, their battle finally over and victory on their side. Many lives were lost and many lessons were learned, and I made out with a cool one-hundred thou! _

“You cheating bi-!” King Kai yelled.

_ Can’t hear you, don’t care! Now where was I… how will our heroes bring back their fallen compatriots? What new dangers will present themselves? This franchise is older than I am! Spoilers sort of expire after five years or so. But keep reading! Things are still about to change up even more on Dragonball Z Super Deluxe Collector’s Edition! _


	9. Dragonball Z AU Abridged Kai The Fanfiction Deluxe Collector's Edition Season 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A PARODY SUPPORT THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THE ORIGINALS

_ Peaceful day in the countryside _

FARMER: Doot dee doo, runnin’ my farm with slave labor.

<Space pod crashes>

TAMATA: I’m just like Raditz except I’m a chick!

FARMER: You’re hot!

TAMATA: You’re a prick!

<Tamata kills the farmer>

LABORER: Usted nos ha liberado! Ahora la revolución puede comenzar!

TAMATA: Bitchin’..

<Tamata flies off>

_ DRAGON SOUL _

\---

_ In a wasteland _

PICCOLO: I’m so alone.

TAMATA: I’m here now!

PICCOLO: Will you be my friend?

TAMATA: No. Where’s Kakarot?

PICCOLO: I dunno.

TAMATA: All right fine I’ll try Kame House.

_ At Kame House _

TAMATA: Kakarot, you’re an alien. We’re siblings. Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as brother and sister!

GOKU: I’m a who?

TAMATA: Screw it I’m taking your kid.

<Tamata knees Goku>

GOKU: My stomach!

<Tamata steals Gohan and flies off>

GOKU: My kid!

_ Back at the ranch _

TAMATA: Stop crying!

<Gohan continues crying>

LABORER: ¿Quieres un poco de emú?

TAMATA: Oh, Dios mío, sí.

GOKU: Ta-tas we’re here for my son!

TAMATA: EXACT QUOTES FROM THE ABRIDGED SERIES!

GOKU: EXACT QUOTES FROM THE ABRIDGED SERIES!

PICCOLO: EXACT QUOTES FROM THE ABRIDGED SERIES!

TAMATA: Gay joke!

PICCOLO: Incest joke!

TAMATA: Beating!

PICCOLO AND GOKU: What?

<Beating>

GOKU: Got any ideas?

PICCOLO: Hold her still!

TAMATA: MORE EXACT QUOTES FROM THE ABRIDGED SERIES!

PICCOLO: Makankōsappō!

TAMATA: DODGE!

<Goku and Tamata are penetrated, and Tamata loses an arm.>

PICCOLO: I should teach that to Gohan.

TAMATA: Screw this noise. SUPER JET BLAST!

<Tamata flies off>

_ Tamata in the mountains _

TAMATA: Balls it’s cold. Ugh.

<Tamata passes out>

_ In Dr. Gero’s lab _

  1. GERO: You’re a cyborg now!



<Tamata snatches the remote from Dr. Gero and crushes it.>

TAMATA: Bitchin’.

<Tamata leaves Dr. Gero’s lab>

_ In the wasteland _

PICCOLO: DODGE!

<Smacks Gohan. Tamata catches him.>

TAMATA: Thanks for the kid, bye.

_ While flying _

TAMATA: I want a new narrator.

_ You can’t do that to me! _

((Why should we?))

TAMATA: I’ll read your stuff.

((I CRAVE ATTENTION))

_ At the Son homestead _

TAMATA: I’m gonna learn you how to book.

GOHAN: That wasn’t grammatically-

TAMATA: DODGE!

<Tamata throws a book at Gohan>

TAMATA: NOW READ IT!

GOHAN: I’m reading!

TAMATA: Good! NOW DODGE!

<Tamata throws another book at Gohan>

CHI CHI: So glad to have Gohan home again!

TAMATA: Let’s go do a thing.

CHI CHI: How about the orchestra?

TAMATA: Bitchin’.

_ At the Orchestra _

TAMATA: This music is making us so f***ing high right now, Gohan.

<Tamata and Gohan laugh stupidly together>

_ In the wasteland _

TAMATA: Let’s make a plan to fight the Saiyans.

PICCOLO: Bitchin’.

_ In a different wasteland _

KRILLIN: I’m here now!

TAMATA: We have a plan!

KRILLIN: I’m gonna ignore it!

NAPPA: Hiiii!

PICCOLO: DODGE!

<Everyone jumps into the canyon>

VEGETA: Plant the Saibamen.

<Saibamen grow>

SAIBAMEN: Scree! Scree!

<Yamcha is blown up by a Saibaman>

TAMATA: Oh man I was supposed to hit that ass, too, wasn’t I?

<Saibamen are blown up by the Z Warriors>

KRILLIN: AH I’M UNDER ATTACK!

TAMATA: Hi Nappa.

NAPPA: Hi Tamata.

TAMATA: I’m gonna beat you up now.

NAPPA: Nu-OW!

<Tamata beats up Nappa>

VEGETA: That’s enough beating up Nappa.

<Vegeta tears off Tamata’s cyborg arm and beats Tamata>

TAMATA: You can do this, guys!

<Nappa kills Chiaotsu and Tien>

TAMATA: We can’t do this, guys! Run!

KRILLIN: SOLAR FLARE!

TAMATA, NAPPA, VEGETA: AUGH MY EYES!

_ At a small town _

TAMATA: Can anyone drive?

PICCOLO: No.

GOHAN: I’m five.

KRILLIN: I’m too short.

TAMATA: Ugh fine, we’ll steal this one.

<Tamata throws a driver out of their truck. The GTA HUD appears with one wanted star filled in, and Jay Rock’s Hood Gone Love It plays>

TAMATA: Bitchin’.

_ On the Highway _

<A cop car is chasing them>

TAMATA: You’ll never take me alive, coppers!

<Tamata blows up a cop car. Her ‘Wanted’ stars increased by 2.>

GOHAN: That wasn’t a good guy thing.

TAMATA: I’m still kind of evil.

PICCOLO: Me, too!

TAMATA: Also, adults suck.

_ In yet another wasteland _

TAMATA: The truck broke.

PICCOLO: We have a plan to get Goku to beat up the Saiyans.

TAMATA: Bitchin’.

<Piccolo powers up>

PICCOLO: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

<Nappa elbow-slams Piccolo and he goes down>

TAMATA: AUGH DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

<Vegeta punches Tamata. The GTA ‘Wasted’ screen. The character wheel blinks on Goku, and it shifts to him.>

NAPPA: I’m gonna get another beating, aren’t?

GOKU: Yep.

<Beating>

NAPPA: Vegeta! What does the Scouter say about his power level.

VEGETA: IT’S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAA-

NAPPA: -AAAAAAAAAAA-

KRILLIN: -AAAAAAAAAA-

GOKU: -AAAAAAAAAA-

GOHAN: -AAAAAAAAAA-

TAMATA: -AAAAAAAAAA-

KRILLIN: SENSU BEAN!

<Tamata eats a Sensu bean. The ‘Popeye’ theme plays. Her health bar in the GTA hub returns to full.>

NAPPA: -AAAAAAAAAA-

<Beating. Nappa lands next to Vegeta.>

NAPPA: <Weakly> -AAaaaAaaAA-

<Vegeta blasts him>

NAPPA: -AAAAAAAAAA-

VEGETA: -AAAAAAAAAAnd.

<Vegeta, Goku, and Tamata stare off. The wind blows. Krillin and Gohan fly away.>

VEGETA: BEATING!

<Beating>

GOKU & TAMATA: Owwww…

TAMATA: We need to do something else.

GOKU: I’m gonna do the Kaio-Ken!

TAMATA & VEGETA: The Kaio-wha-

GOKU: KAIO-KEN!

<Beating>

VEGETA: All right, time to show everyone my monkey!

<Vegeta throws the false moon and turns into Ozaru>

TAMATA: Mine’s bigger! 

<Tamata also turns into an Ozaru>

VEGETA: Oh balls.

TAMATA: Yep.

<Beating>

VEGETA: I’m gonna go now.

<Vegeta leaves in his pod. Goku and Tamata stare up at the sky. Cut to Tamata’s face.>

TAMATA: I’m gonna continue to steal eeeeeeveryone’s jokes.

_ DRAGON SOOOOOOOOOU- _

**CEASE AND DESIST**


	10. Flashforward: Death of a Legend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few years and a few adventures in the future, the friendships that have been forged in fire and joy are obliterated in a bloody battle. Will the Z Warriors ever recover from a betrayal of one of their own?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release, and the Abridged Series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Sorry guys, not much funny in this one.

“Broly…” Tamata gagged, standing up, and looking to the sky. The comet Camori hung over New Vegeta, its light a second sun, its smoke and dust a ring around an impossible brightness, “Broly I’m so sorry…I failed you…”

“Tamata, we have to go,” Gohan said, getting to his feet, “The comet’s going to be here any moment!”

Tamata stared at it. She glanced at the Shamo, who were huddling together in the distance, consoling themselves with songs of their people. She looked at the desolate world, and returned to the comet. Despite everything she had given, everything that had been dealt to her, she was not going to just give up on this world, on her lab, on her successes. She wasn’t going to let Paragus’s arrogance, or Vegeta’s callousness, ruin everything she had built. She had lost her lover, and she had lost her friend, and she was not going to let a freak bit of space dust destroy everything she had left.

Years of training and dedication to the new Ozaru Queen Form required a focus, a self-control that, Tamata believed, to be incompatible with the rage and emotion that brought on the Super Saiyan transformation. The cold, heatless light of the comet, reflecting in rays through the dust of New Vegeta, it was enough to trigger the Ozaru form as she transfixed on it. Tamata started with a  growl, but it turned into a roar as she began the transformation into the Ozaru Queen.

But it was an even mind that allowed her to turn into the hybrid form, somewhere between the normal Saiyan and the Ozaru. It was not as incompatible with rage and emotion as she had believed. As her muscles and limbs grew into the eight-foot form, sprouting fur and growing her face into a partial snout, she sparked with an energy that she hadn’t given off before. Paraka was fixated on the comet; wholly focused, but her rage and anguish flowed through her without interrupting it.

When she fully turned into the Ozaru Queen, her fur irradiated a white flash, which cooled back to the brown, and flashed again, but turning-and staying-yellow, the aura of a Super Saiyan around the Ozaru Queen. Tamata, ignoring the new Golden Monarch form, raised her hands to the sky, placing them together.

“KA!”

“Gohan!” Goku called out, “Help her!”

“Right!” Gohan took a breath. He had so little energy left, but he found something, anything, to help her, and turned into a Super Saiyan, as did Goku. Krillin, Roshi, and Yamcha all stood, assuming their stand. Together, they students of Roshi and their master cried out, “Kaaaaaa!”

“ME!” they shouted together, “HA! ME! HAAAAAA!”

A blue flash fired off into the sky, the beams joining together into one, blasting into the comet, and exploding it above New Vegeta. With the combined power of two Stable Super Saiyans, the Super Ozaru Queen, and the humans, the comet was turned to dust, creating a cloud that almost immediately began to form into a ring around the planet. The ring glistened and sparkled in the sky, granting a beauty to the planet that it had lacked before. Once in the form, Tamata no longer needed the moon to stay in it, but saw no need to stay, turning back to her Super Saiyan form, then powering down entirely.

“Wow…I…Didn’t think I had anything left after all that…” Yamcha admitted.

“Oh, yes,” Vegeta let out a cough-laugh, “Very impressive, you managed to destroy a comet, I’m so shocked, it’s not like I can’t do with literally one finger to an entire planet!”

“He’s dead…” Tamata said.

“I’m sorry, did you miss the part where we all just got our asses handed to us by a super-roided Super Saiyan, then managed to blow up a celestial object hurdling towards us at near-light speeds?” Yamcha retorted to Vegeta, “Because I don’t recall you helping!”

“Please, I don’t care about this dirtball or any of you. I could have been back on the ship-“

“Paragus and Broly are DEAD!” Tamata screamed, falling to her knees, “You maniacs! You blew it all up!”

“Tamata, it’s going to be all right, if you need to cry-“ Gohan approached his aunt.

“They’re dead!” she wailed, “They were my family, and they’re DEAD! I’ve lost everything, all over again, because of someone’s STUPID-“ she punched the ground- “SAIYAN-“ she put another hole in the dirt- “PRIDE!”

She held her head in her hands, “Paragus you idiot…We could have helped Broly…You should be here…You should have been here for our daughter, this didn’t have to happen, why did this have to happen again…”

“Please. I lost my family, too, you don’t see me crying about it,” Vegeta scoffed. Tamata started to cry. Vegeta groaned, “Oh, look, now the woman is crying, big surprise.”

“I know, it hurts, Aunt Tamata, but we’ll get through this, I promise-“ Gohan said, putting his hand on her back as she cried. Something changed, however, as Gohan tried to comfort her, as the sobs grew deeper, less gurgled, until she started to stand. Gohan backed away when he realized she wasn’t crying anymore.

She was laughing.

“No, Vegeta. You don’t to be that guy right now,” she said, laughing, “You don’t get to be a prick. This is all YOUR fault.”

“My fault? I’m not the one who refused to kill the whelp when he was young!”

“No, this is your fault, because you egged him on. You dug into him with your smugness, your stupidity. Your pride. The same pride your father has, that got our planet destroyed and put us all in this situation! You don’t get to hold that, Vegeta, not today.”

“I don’t answer to low-class whores like you.”

“If you want to leave this planet alive, Vegeta, you will  _ apologize. _ For once, in your wretched life, you will kneel before another, and you will  _ beg my forgiveness, _ ” Tamata snarled.

“Or what? As you recall, last time we fought, I proved that I surpassed you! Avert your eyes, woman, and I’ll forget you spoke to me in this manner!”

“Last chance,” she hissed, “Kneel. Apologize.”

“Paragus was a fool, and so are you,” he snarled.

She was upon him in a flash of yellow light.

Vegeta thought he would be fast enough to catch her strike. He had been sure of it; after all, he’d defeated her when she tried to stop him from permitting the Cell creatures from absorbing each other. That, of course, had gone poorly, but he had no reason to believe that Tamata’s power would have changed in a few days, when he had spent time in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. He had only grown, while she had barely fixed herself.

He tried comprehending how Tamata managed to break the bones in his face with a single punch, but the only word that he managed to string together in his head was ‘Ow’. He was sent flying into the cliffside, and she was upon him again barely after he struck it, her left leg leading her charge into his chest. Bouncing off of him, she raised her arms into the air, gathering energy, slamming a Masenko into the hole and onto Vegeta. With the blast thrown, she aimed both her arms, gathering more energy for a Double Sunday.

“That’s enough!” Trunks shouted, flying in front of Tamata, “You’ve made your point!”

She blasted him and Vegeta without hesitating. When the smoke cleared, Tamata stepped into the crater, and chucked Trunks unceremoniously out of the way.

“Dad, what do we do, she’s gonna kill him!” Gohan insisted. Goku flew to her as she floated into the air, holding Vegeta, beaten and broken twice over now.

“You did it, Tamata, you won. It’s over. Vegeta’s never going to bother you again,” Goku rested his hand on her artificial arm, “Let him go.”

“He’s had his second chance, Goku,” Tamata said, “He doesn’t get another one.”

“If you kill him, you’ll be-”

“I’ll be free of him!” she snapped, “We’ll all be free of him! No more cleaning up after his messes, no more throwing ourselves at his mercy, no more taunting. Step away, Kakarot. This has been a long time coming.”

“I’ll stop you,” Goku warned, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t.”

“Then the only difference between you and Vegeta is that when I’m done with you, you’ll still be alive,” Tamata told him, “Besides. You’ll get over it.”

Goku took a breath, and turned Super Saiyan. Tamata smacked Goku away with Vegeta. Goku recovered, and charged back at her, jabbing a punch at her, but she used Vegeta as a shield, catching the full impact on his back. In response to the punch, Tamata held Vegeta by the collar and bashed Goku with Vegeta, sending him back again.

“Have you had enough, or am I gonna have to keep beating one motherf***er with another motherf***er?” she demanded.

“I can’t let you do this,” Goku insisted, “I won’t! For your own sake, as much as his!”

“You want him?” she threw Vegeta towards Goku, “Catch.”

Goku floated up to catch Vegeta, but Tamata raised one arm in the air, creating a pink sphere, “SATURDAY CRUSH!”

He wasn’t fast enough to save himself and Vegeta. Goku knew that, and chose Vegeta, throwing the beaten and battered Prince out of the way, just as the pink ball erupted and consumed him.

“DAD! NO!” Gohan cried out. Tamata landed, walking past the smoldering Goku, and going to Vegeta, who was struggling roll himself over. He managed to do so, but it only gave him a view of Tamata standing above him.

“So have I done it, Vegeta?” she asked, and she stomped her boot onto his chest. The sound of his ribs breaking was less of a sharp crack so much as it was a fleshy snap, “Have I broken your pride, like The Perfect Cell did? That’s twice in one week, isn’t it?”

She picked him up, “Are you going to beg for your life? Or your death? Go on. I want to hear you say it.”

She shook him, “Say it. Say ‘Please.’”

Vegeta opened his mouth, and blood spurted out of it.

“I’ll take it,” she raised her hand for the killing blow.

“P-Please…” Vegeta gagged.

“So you can talk. Please  _ what _ , Vegeta?”

“F-For my Bulma,” he wheezed, “F-For the boy…”

She stared at him, completely motionless.

“Don’t...Don’t take me away from them…” Vegeta pleaded, “Please…”

Tamata’s hand turned to a fist, and she threw him on the ground with a snarl. Vegeta let out an ‘Ow’ when he collided with the ground.

“Next time I see Bulma and your son, if they say anything short of that they love you with all their heart, you’re a dead man, Vegeta,” Tamata vowed. She looked up. Krillin had helped Trunks to his feet, and Piccolo was holding up Goku. Everyone was staring at her, except for Roshi. Even a line of Shamo were watching from the cliffside.

“Get off my planet,” she commanded to the Earthlings, “All of you.”

She turned away from them, walking until she was well away from Vegeta, then flew back to the castle. The spaceport had been more or less wrecked, and huge chunks of the castle had been blown off. She checked first on the nursery; Kalei was wailing, her nanny clutching the baby Saiyan in the corner, trying to protect the infant with her life. Tamata reached down to collect her daughter and thank the nanny, when Tamata realized that the Shamo nanny had, in fact, given her life for Kalei. Kalei’s face was covered in the Shamo’s yellow blood, and a piece of debris had been jammed into the poor woman’s neck.

“Mummy!” Kalei whimpered once she realized she was being held by her mother, and she nestled into her, still crying, “Bro-woh…”

“I’m sorry, Kalei...Broly’s not...He’s not coming back…” Tamata told her, “Neither is daddy...It’s just you and me now, Kalei…Just you and me...”

She bounced Kalei in the partially wrecked nursery, singing softly to her daughter, the only ones of their kind left born on this world.

But as alone as they were, it was not the living that gave Tamata hope, but the ones yet to be born.

These, Tamata vowed to herself and to her daughter, would know a better world.


	11. Episode 9 Victory Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With victory comes the spoils: Namely, food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.  
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.  
> If we were to fuse, our name would be Team Uze Star.

“What are we looking for?” Goku called out.

“My arm!” Tamata called back.

“Why? I’m bored!”

“Because I want it back!”

“Oh I found Tien’s arm!”

“That doesn’t help.”

“Well what does it look like?”

“It’s a metal hand, like a skeleton’s, with wires and stuff poking out of it.”

“...Oh…”

Tamata stood up, “Did you find it?”

Goku was scratching his butt with it. She sighed.

“I’ll wash it.”

INTRO TITLE

\---

_ Goku and Tamata fly back to the homestead, finding Krillin engaged in an argument with Chi-Chi. _

“-He’s our only hope!”

“He’s all  _ I  _ have left! I’m not letting anyone else take my baby away again! Certainly not a bald little cretin like you!”

“Are we pointing out Krillin’s inadequacies? I’m up for that,” Tamata said.

“You’re-you’re alive!” Krillin shouted.

“Yep. Us and Gohan are the only survivors. Except Vegeta, he got away, but he won’t be back,” Tamata said.

“But-what about me? I survived!”

“Pffft, if you call whatever you’re doing living.”

“Oh…”

KRILLIN OWNED COUNT: 10

“Hey, Chi-Chi! Is dinner ready yet?” Goku asked. Chi-Chi leaped into his arms.

“Goku! You’re back!” she buried her head into his chest, “I was so worried I’d never see you again…”

Goku hugged her back.

“...So is that a ‘Yes’ on dinner?” he asked. She sniffed and looked up at him.

“Yes, of course, I’ll get right on it. It’s so good to have you back, Goku. I love you!”

“Awwwww, that’s great!” Goku said.

“Kiss her you fool!” Tamata commanded.

“Huh?”

“Do it you wimp! Do it for the Vine!”

Chi-Chi grabbed Goku by the hair, and kissed him. Tamata cheered.

“I’ll get right on dinner,” Chi-Chi told him. Tamata waved her robot arm at her.

“Hi, Chi-Chi. I’m here, too.”

“Hi, Tamata. It’s good to have you back, too.”

Chi-Chi went inside to begin preparing dinner for three Saiyan-sized appetites. Goku stared at his towering sister, who stood a head and a half taller. Goku sniffed. Tamata fiddled with her robot arm.

“Soooo, hi,” Goku said.

“Uh, hi, Ka-Goku. I hope you don’t mind, I moved in while you, were, uh, dead.”

“Does that make you the new Goku?” he asked.

“No. I’m just your big sister. I’m not going to try to kill you again.”

“Promise?” Goku asked.

“I promise.”

“ _ Pinkie _ promise?”

She held out her pinkie.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” she vowed.

“Hah! You can tell she means it because you don’t do that with cupcakes, you  _ eat _ them,” Goku remarked to Gohan and Krillin, and he completed the pinkie promise.

“Wow. You...Really are your mother’s son,” Tamata remarked.

“So you’re...Sticking around?” Krillin asked.

“Well, I figured I should spend more time with family. Maybe less kidnapping them. Or fratricide, for that matter. Oh, and, uh, gotta, train, too,” she nodded.

“Train? For what?” Goku asked, eyes wide.

“We already beat Vegeta! What else is there?” Gohan asked. She shrugged.

“Freeza.”

“Freezer? Who’s that?” Goku asked.

“Oh she’s the worst. She’s evil.”

“Yeah?”

“She’s a tyrant.”

“Mmm?”

“She destroyed our planet, our species, our family.”

Goku gasped.

“Basically enslaved Vegeta, Nappa, and I, forcing us to do her dirty work.”

Goku squeaked.

“And she’s quite possibly the most powerful being in the galaxy, unmatched by any known being save for, possibly, her equally evil brother and father.”

“...Yay!”

“And she’ll be SUPER pissed that I betrayed her and survived, so we may need to find a way to kill her before she discovers E-arth,” Tamata said, “I don’t expect any of you to put yourselves on the line for this fight.”

Krillin sighed, “Oh thank go-”

“We’d be happy to help!” Goku said.

“-od dammit!”

“All right, Goku. I’ll hold you to it,” Tamata said.

“Cross my buns and eat a fly, lick a cupcake with my eye!” Goku vowed.

“That sounds like a promise to me. What about you, Krillin?”

“No. Way! I almost died in this fight! Three of my friends DID die in this fight! I need time to recover and mourn, and move on with my life!” Krillin said.

“Buck,” Tamata clucked.

“Huh?”

“Buck-buck.

“Uh…”

“Buh-gawwwwwwk!”

“Oh is that what Chi-Chi’s cooking? I love chicken! And pork!” Goku beamed.

“What use would I be, anyway?” Krillin asked.

“I dunno, meat shield? I don’t actually care if you help, but there may be alien space babes in need of rescue,” she pointed out, “Certainly there will plunder and riches beyond your wildest, small-minded Earthling dreams. Just being part of the team that defeats Freeza, if we don’t all die, will make you a hero of galactic proportions. Planets would be named after you, and creatures of genders you can’t even conceive of will bring themselves to orgasmic bliss thinking of you even for your most meager participation.”

Krillin glared at her. She grinned back at him.

“So are you interested?”

“See, I know you’re playing me...But I am,” he admitted.

“Good. Try not to...Die. Or whatever it is you soft, pink, fleshy humans do. Honestly I’m not sure how you haven’t managed to all trip on a rock and break your heads open, yet you’re so closely related to the Saiyans. It’s just kind of sad, really.”

“Yeah, how about that whole ‘Endangered species list’ thing, huh?” Krillin snarked.

“HAH! I like you. Kakarot, I approve of your friend. We may keep him,” Tamata said.

“Good, because he’s like, the only one I have left. Those Saiyans killed all my other friends,” Goku said, “Also? Goku. Not Kakarot.”

“Yeah, sorry. Still...Getting used to that.”

“Yeah, so, are we gonna talk about the fact we don’t have Dragonballs to bring back our dead friends?” Krillin asked.

“I mean, you don’t, I’m sure they know about them on Namek. Come to think of it, that might be where Freeza is going.”

Goku gasped, “We’re TOTALLY going to Namek!”

“Heh! Nobody could never say no to you, Kakar-” Tamata grumbled, catching herself again, “Goku. But we’re gonna have to train. A LOT. You know how strong Vegeta was? Freeza is way stronger. Like, his weakest goons are as strong as Vegeta.”

“How DID you defeat Vegeta?” Krillin asked.

“I slapped him with my giant monkey,” Tamata said. Krillin sighed.

“So yours was bigger than his?”

“Krillin! Someone as short as you should know it’s not the size of your monkey-”

“It’s how you use it?” Krillin offered.

“And how hard you can spank the other guy’s.”

“You’re gonna do well here.”

“Goku! Gohan! Tamata! Linner!” Chi-chi called out.

“Awwwww yesss Linner!” Tamata and Goku called out together.

“Man. Goku as a family man is one thing, but this is just bizzare,” Krillin remarked to Gohan.

“You are the only friend outside of my immediate family that I haven’t seen get brutally murdered by a pair of psychopaths who endangered my country, my family, my planet, and everything that I’ve ever known or loved. My perception of the infallibility of adults has been shattered and I do not know how to reclaim the innocence that has been taken from me in a sea of blood,” Gohan replied. Krillin rubbed his hand on the back of his own head, trying to understand what was just said to him.

“Uh...That’s a little heavier than I’m used to dealing with. Let’s...Start with Linner, and see where things take us from there,” Krillin said, ushering the boy to the kitchen, where Goku and Tamata were already digging in with gusto.

“So he says, ‘I’m not mad, I’m just ‘Saiyan!’” Tamata said, mouth full of food and gesturing with her arm and stump wildly. She and Goku laughed together, making a mess and thumping the table. Goku gagged and thumped the table harder, and Tamata slapped him on the back, helping him cough the jammed food out. Once it was removed, they stared at it for a moment, the Goku picked it back up, and popped it back into his mouth. Tamata shrugged, and kept eating.

“How are we ever going to afford paying for food for TWO Goku’s, plus Gohan as he gets older?” Chichi wondered, “That settles it! Goku! You need a job!”

Goku nearly choked again, “But Chichi! Can’t we just-”

“If you say ‘Use the Ox-King’s money’ you’re only getting three meals a day from now on!”

Goku gasped, “But I’ll starve!”

“Chichi, I’m an accomplished engineer and mechanist for highly advanced technologies. Also I’m a feared space-pirate with a reputation for brutality and callousness. I’ll pay my own way. Just give me a couple weeks,” Tamata insisted.

“Well...All right,” Chichi conceded, and she scowled at Krillin, “And what do you think you’re doing?”

“Getting...Linner?”

“Oh, no, I’ve got one layabout to worry about already, you don’t get a bite without contributing something! Pay up, or you’re washing dishes!”

“...I don’t have any money…” Krillin admitted.

“Well then it’s a good thing you’re very fast, because Dinner is on the way, and Dinfast won’t be far behind!”

“Oh, sweet, do you have those pork dumplings?” Tamata asked.

“Of course! I know they’re your favorite!” Chichi said sweetly.

“Hey, Gohan, try this,” Tamata put some fruits on Gohan’s plate. He meekly grabbed one and started munching on it. Tamata watched him for a moment, then picked one of the fruits off Gohan’s plate. He didn’t react. She looked to Goku, “Something’s wrong with Gohan.”

“Oh no! My baby!” Chichi did a power-slide to Gohan, clutching his head in her arms, “You’re feverish! You have spots! My poor boy’s going to diiiiiie!”

“Goku? Something’s wrong with your son,” Tamata remarked.

“Awwww, can it wait until after Linner? I’m not done eating!” Goku whined.

“Gohan’s not  _ eating _ Linner. I took food from him, and he didn’t try to take my hand. Something. Is wrong. With Gohan.”

Goku stared at Tamata, then down at Gohan.

“Gohan, tell me what’s wrong,” he commanded.

“Did...Did we win?” he asked, “Vegeta got away, and we lost all our friends! We lost Mister Piccolo, we don’t even have Dragonballs! We lost everything! And we’re  _ eating! _ ”

“We beat Vegeta, and he said he was sorry-” Goku said.

“He did not actually say that,” Tamata insisted.

“-And the Earth is safe.”

“For now,” Tamata added.

“So of course we won! I mean, we can just get everyone back with the-The, uh…”

“The Dragonballs?” Krillin offered.

“Well...We, uh…” Goku tried wrapping his head around this, but smoke started to puff out of his ears, and a creaking sound sent shivers everyone’s spines.

“What happened to your Dragonballs?” Tamata asked, “I’m not really clear on the details here.”

“Well, the Dragonballs were created by Kami. Kami and Piccolo were split from the same being, so if you kill one, you kill the other. But if you kill Kami, the Dragonballs will disappear.”

“And Nappa killed Piccolo,” Tamata said.

“Yep!”

“And Piccolo is a Namekian.”

“He’s a-What?”

“Which the Namekians might know something about Dragonballs. So I propose we go to Namek, as them about how make Dragonballs, make some Dragonballs, wish your friends back, maybe get me a shiny new set of Immortality, bring back the Saiyans, and we can all live happily ever after,” Tamata proposed, “And maybe we’ll even get in some fights along the way.”

“So there’s hope?” Gohan asked.

“There’s always hope, kid. Sometimes you have to change your standards to get it, but so long as you work towards something, you’ll succeed at something. Of course, given our luck, Freeza already knows about the Dragonballs and is headed to Namek right now.”

Goku gasped in excitement, “You think she will?”

“I dunno, maybe. We should train super hard, though, just in case. Of course, we’ll need a ship. I know some mercs that I could contact who would help us out if we could pay them.”

“I don’t think Ox King has space-money,” Goku said.

“Don’t look at me,” Krillin insisted.

“They wouldn’t accept any of my Freezabucks, either,” Tamata remarked, “And I don’t think your planet has anything of worth to trade. Except maybe a wish on the Dragonballs, but they’d want it immediately.”

“Wait, could we build a spaceship?” Gohan asked, “Using one of the pods the Saiyans came in?”

“Those things are the Standard Warrior Pods, it’d take us a year to get to Namek from Earth.”

“But what if we took it to Bulma? I bet she could make it fly faster!” Krillin said.

“And by the time she’s got it ready, we’ll have trained and we’ll be stronger than ever!” Goku cheered, “This is going to be the best adventure ever!”

 

_ Flashforward _

Tamata groaned, pushing herself off the ground, and finding her balance. Goku was still standing with his hands in the air. Freeza strolled towards her, stepping over Piccolo, who let out a pitiful “Ow…”

“Goku?”

“Just a couple more minutes,” he insisted.

“Oh, I get that. I just want to say...This is not the best adventure ever.”

“Yeah, I might have jinxed us on that one.”

 

_ Back at the present _

“It sure will be!” Tamata held up her drink to toast, “We’ll get your friends back, and everything will be back to normal. See Gohan? Things will work out. Now do us a favor, and eat your Linner, okay?”

“So, in response to losing nearly every friend we have, against a pair of ruthless space pirates coveting our planet’s holiest and most powerful relics, we’re going to go to another planet, risking  _ everything we have left, _ pilfer their holiest and most powerful relics, and fight the bloodthirsty tyrant that caused all of this in the first place?” Gohan asked. Goku and Tamata chewed and exchanged glances for a moment.

“Yep,” Goku confirmed. Gohan took a deep breath.

Without another word, he started piling food onto his plate.


	12. Episode 10: Into the Chamber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.  
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.  
> Out of the parking lot, AND INTO THE SKY!

Tamata flew over West City with Goku, Gohan, and Krillin. Tamata looked at all the cars and people. She was surprised at how advanced the humans actually were, and wondered to herself why they hadn’t left their planet except for a few satellites and a couple of trips to their moon, which had been destroyed twice now. How they acquired a second moon so as to have destroyed it twice, Tamata suppressed her curiosity.

Their flight was interrupted by a loud, four-man flying vehicle loaded with armed humans that hovered in front of them.

“All of you stop! This is a no-fly zone!” the people in the vehicle warned, “Land immediately!”

“What, or you’ll give us a ticket?” Tamata asked.

“They have guns…” Krillin pointed out.

“Oh, yeah, projectile weapons, they might as well be throwing rocks-” Tamata said. The police opened fire on her. She turned to look at them, and her hands started to glow.

“Tamata, if you hurt them, then we’ll be late to Bulma’s, and we might not have time to eat,” Goku warned.

“Dad, we had two full course meals in the last four hours,” Gohan said.

“I know, I’m starving!”

INTRO TITLE

\---

“Oh! Visitors!” a blonde woman in a tube top called out as they landed.

“Hi Miss Briefs!” Goku said. Tamata bowed.

“Please, pardon our sudden arrival, Mistress Briefs. I was given to understand Goku was a frequent welcome guest.”

“Oh, please, you can call me what everyone else does! Milf!” Mrs. Briefs said. Tamata gawked at her.

“Surely you can’t be serious.”

“Well she is quite the milf,” an old man with a bushy moustache said, with Bulma behind him.

“Hi Dr. Briefs!” Goku greeted, “Hi Bulma!”

“Goku...Why is your sister here? I thought she died?” Bulma asked.

“Naw, she’s a good guy now,” Goku insisted, “And she’s starting to get my name right!”

“Eh, I’d go more with Lawful Neutral,” Tamata supposed.

“Well with everyone else dead I guess we can’t be picky who helps us protect the Earth. But are you sure we can trust her? She’s not planning to overthrow the King now that the military’s been destroyed?” Bulma wondered.

“Now there’s an idea...” Tamata remarked.

“Tamata would never do something like that!” Goku said.

“I mean, it’s not like your military could do anything to resist me anyway…” Tamata continued.

“She’s another cool lady that lives in my house.”

“Oh, maybe I could teach the Earth’s new military. I bet they’d make me the commander-in-chief, too,” Tamata kept muttering.

“She eats as much as I do, too! It’s like having a competitor! But for food!”

“I could enforce whatever rules I wanted to…”

“Give Chichi my condolences,” Bulma said, “So what brings you to West City? You usually don’t come over unless you need a dragon radar, but with Piccolo dead, I don’t see why you’d need one.”

“Actually, we need your skills as a scientist. Goku and Krillin speak highly of your skills, but that doesn’t say much, and you are a puny Earthling, so I require proof of your skills before I will entrust my life and body to your capabilities,” Tamata said.

“I don’t have to prove myself to you, I’m one of the smartest people on the planet!” Bulma hissed, “My inventions have revolutionized the modern industrial age and opened consumer electronics to a whole new spectrum of opportunities! There are towns in the most remote parts of the world with sophisticated computers because of my work.”

“Then your skills may indeed be sufficient, but what I ask of you is beyond anything your species has accomplished. We need a spaceship if we are to revive your meatbag friends and avenge innumerable species. If we are unable to fight the tyrant responsible, your pathetic world may find itself in another battle it cannot possibly win. Genocide and obscurity await you if you, my friend, cannot rise to the challenge. But I will not waste my time if you cannot,” Tamata warned. Bulma and her father stared, slack-jawed.

“Well then we’d better get started,” Bulma said, gesturing for them to follow her inside, “What is it that you need?”

“To start, Goku needs food,” Tamata said.

“Way to state the obvious. But why are you  _ here? _ ”

“We need a spaceship that can visit a world on another arm of your galaxy in a manner of weeks, if not days,” Tamata said.

“Oh, well, how about I just build an artificial black hole and put it where the moon used to be?” Bulma snarked.

“Well, obviously we need one, though I fail to see why putting it in orbit is useful,” Tamata said. Bulma blinked.

“Wait, you’re serious?”

“Have you never built a spaceship before?”

“I’ve built rockets.”

“That...We have a lot of work to do,” Tamata sighed, “Thankfully, we have something you may find useful in preparing for this project.”

“A spaceship,” Tamata said, pulling out a remote control.

“Wait, if you already have a spaceship why would you need me to build you one? You come in here, threatening my planet, doubting my abilities, tell me you need to construct an impossible vehicle and tell me you’ve already got one?” Bulma shouted. The whole house shook as something impacted the yard. Bulma rushed to the window, to see Nappa’s space pod in her yard.

“...Oh…”

“The spacepod is capable of post-light speeds, but the resources needed to create one for myself and for Kakarot are not something your species can synthesize, and we don’t want that anyway. We just need to transport a few people across space, we don’t need the advanced remote control, hovering, or anything of the sort. With what you have available to you already, I estimate you can create a comparable spaceworthy vessel in a few weeks-if you are capable of understanding the physics behind it,” Tamata explained

“No problem. If we’re working with singularities, I assume these work by warping spacetime relative to your origin point while propelling forward using some kind of energy or plasma-based propulsion,” Bulma said.

“Something like that. The pods are usually powered by the user themselves, actually, forcing the pilot into a meditative state, allow them to move through the journey without experiencing much time at all. From my perspective, my journey to Earth only took a few days, but it in fact took well over a year.”

“A year? But we can’t wait that long!”

“Normally, the stronger the being powering the ship, the faster the ship will move, which was why Vegeta and Nappa took months where I took years. This is why you will have to find something else to power the ship. Something with a limited fuel source other than Ki. Something that can be used faster, without exploding. Our enemies are far more powerful than we are. By the time we would have arrived, they will have come and gone.”

“Dang. No pressure, huh?”

“But to begin, you must prove your worth before I will trust my life to you,” Tamata said, producing her artificial arm, which was beaten, battered, broken, and scrubbed, “This is a piece of your technology, created by some old man that brought me back to life.”

“Oh wow I haven’t seen a piece of tech in years, not since the Red Ribbon Army…” Bulma looked over the arm, “But this is way more advanced than anything they were working with back then. Whoever built this really knew what they were doing.”

Tamata took over her shirt.

“Uh, I’m flattered, but I don’t swing that way,” Bulma said, “But nice.”

“Look closely,” Tamata told her, and Bulma looked again.

“Oh, wow, this is...Extensive…” Bulma leaned into the circuitry that had been grafted underneath her skin. They were still visible, like varicose veins, running to her arm and lower torso. Her entire left chest below her breast and above her hip had been replaced with metal machinery.

“I haven’t had the chance to examine it myself. But I wanted to make sure that I was not restricted by my hardware. I need to train and fight, and to do that, I need to be sure that I won’t short circuit my kidney. Also, there is some kind of energy-draining capabilities built into the arm, which I will also need full control over,” Tamata explained, “Somehow, the circuitry remained in place when I turned into the Ozaru. I want to make sure that I’m not damaging myself when I transform.”

“See, if it was just the circuitry and the biocybernetics, I’d have told you no problem. But the fact that Dr. Gero built cybernetics that can transform into the giant monkey…”

“He may have used materials similar from our armor. It has elastic properties that allow it to stretch to extremes while minimizing effects on protection.”

Bulma shook her head, “I can do this. One of these projects, fine. But if you want me to do both, at least doing both right, I’m going to have to divide and conquer here. My dad’s the one that would go gaga over the spaceship. Let me work on you, and my dad will work on the spaceship. I should finish before he does anyway. Once I’m finished on you, I’ll help Dad with the spaceship.”

“I will need to speak with him, then,” Tamata said.

“I’ll go get him,” Bulma stepped out of the room, and returned with Dr. Briefs a few moments later.

“So, what does your monkey-friend need?” Dr. Briefs asked.

“Dad, don’t be rude, she’s Goku’s sister!” Bulma hissed.

“That’s not exactly saying much to disprove my point!” Dr. Briefs retorted.

“Thank you, but your flattery is irrelevant,” Tamata told him, “I wanted to talk to you about your building our starship.”

“Yes, Bulma mentioned it. I’m quite eager to study your technology,” Dr. Briefs said.

“Tell me, Doctor Briefs, how much do you love your daughter?” Tamata asked. Dr. Briefs blinked, and glanced at Bulma, who shot him a warning glare.

“She’s my little pumpkin muffin,” he insisted, “I couldn’t get a boy, though. So I’m very impressed how well she’s done, for a woman.”

“Dad!”

“So if I were to break her neck, crippling her for life, what would you do?” Tamata asked, and both of the Briefs stared at her.

“I would destroy you, your family, and everything you love before your very eyes,” Dr. Briefs said, a darkness falling over his eyes, “Your suffering would not be measured in deaths, but in agonizing moments that could be recorded in years, but that would not capture the extent of your pain.”

“I want you to keep that in mind when you’re building our starship,” Tamata said, “The lengths you’d go to protect-or avenge-her, because Bulma will be coming with us to Namek.”

“What, WHAT?” Bulma and Dr. Briefs said together.

“First of all, tell me you don’t want to go into space,” Tamata said, “Secondly, if you’re building this ship, knowing that you daughter and her friends are going to be on the ship, I’m assured that you will take no shortcuts, and take no risks that put her in danger.”

“What use could I possibly be with you out in deep space?” Bulma asked.

“Well, we’ll need a pilot, for one. An engineer, for two. I can fill both of those roles but redundancy is important. I’ll be fighting some of the most dangerous warriors in the galaxy. If something happens to me, you’ll need to be able to get anyone else out of there alive, and do you expect Goku to fly the ship? Or Krillin? Or Gohan?”

“...No, I suppose you’re right,” Bulma said, “Still you didn’t have to be so dramatic about the whole thing.”

“I grew up with Vegeta, and was raised by Nappa. Drama is how things get done with Saiyans. So if I threaten you or blow something up, don’t take it personally,” Tamata said, “I look forward to getting to know Goku’s friends better, actually.”

“Yeah, it’s good to have another woman on the team,” Bulma said, “Let me take a look at your arm. I’ll see what I can do with it, and if you’re happy with the results, I’ll start tooling around with your chest.”

“Now Bulma, we don’t have any of that foolery in this house!” Dr. Briefs chided, “I won’t have any of that rainbow child nonsense in the Briefs home.”

“OH MY GOD DAD!” Bulma groaned, “DON’T EMBARRASS ME!”

“That said, they’re quite lovely,” Dr. Briefs said, looking in closer to Tamata’s chest. She stood straight, presenting her body.

“Thank you.”

“That circuitry is amazing! Definitely some of Dr. Gero’s finest work,” he continued.

“Ugh, dad…” Bulma groaned. Tamata put her shirt back on.

“Thank you both for assisting us. This is a matter of urgency.”

“Well if it keeps more of you aliens out of my country I’m all for it,” Dr. Briefs said

“I’m happy to help Goku, and to protect the Earth. It’s kind of a hobby,” Bulma ignored her father.

“And thank you for your hospitality. Saiyans are not known for being good houseguests,” Tamata added.

“Oh we’re used to that,” Bulma shrugged, “Goku’s been eating us out of house and home since he was a kid.”

“Then you won’t mind if I join him,” Tamata said, leaving without another word. Bulma and her father gawked at the door.

“Wow. She’s intense,” Bulma muttered.

“Indeed. Did you see the size of her breasts?”

“DAD!”

“They’re gargantuan!”

“Ugh you’re worse than Roshi sometimes, I swear!”

Tamata found the kitchen quickly, following the smell of food and the sound of it being lost in the pit of Goku’s stomach.

“Hey Tamata,” Goku said, mouth full. Gohan was reading a Capsule Corp robot manual, while Krillin was helping Mrs. Briefs keep Goku’s feast moving. Tamata sat in front of her brother, piling onto her own plate.

“So, what’d Bulma say?” Goku asked.

“She and her father will help. Her father will build the ship, while Bulma assists me with some...Medical issues,” Tamata said.

“Do you have to get a needle? I don’t like needles.”

“Maybe. But I’m a big girl. I can take it. So, Goku, are there any good ways to train? How’d you get so strong so quickly? Does dying really give you that much of a power-boost?”

“Oh, I went to train with King Kai. He’s an old bug-man in the sky, and he’s always yelling at me to not do stuff. Mostly I just ignore him.”

“Yeah, I learned to tune out Nappa pretty early. Vegeta never got a handle on it, though.”

“There’s also Mr. Popo, but, uh...Rule one of Popo’s training is  _ do not talk about Mr. Popo’s training _ .”

“Al right any-”

“DO NOT TALK ABOUT MISTER POPO’S TRAINING!” Goku blurted. Tamata stared, and sipped her drink.

“So anything that won’t leave me with PTSD?” she asked.

“There’s the Holonic Time Lamer.”

“I’m sorry, say that again?”

“The Hydraulic Time Primer!”

“That is not what you said the first time. What is it?”

“Well, if you go in, and you spend a year in it, and when you come out, it’s only been a day!”

“Wait a minute,” Krillin said, “Where’s this?”

“On the lookout,” Goku told him.

“So you’re saying that we could have been training in there this whole time?”

“If Mr. Popo lets us,” Goku confirmed. Krillin froze, letting out a high pitched whimper.

“Nevermind, then.”

“Wait, if this Mr. Popo is so powerful and terrifying, why didn’t he fight Vegeta and Nappa? Or me, for that matter?” Tamata asked.

“Pecking order,” Krillin barked.

“...Right. Tell you what, Goku, why don’t you ask Mr. Popo-”

“Beg Mr. Popo,” Goku corrected.

“-about the uh...Time place. We have a few days before Bulma is ready to give me my check-up, but once she gives me the clear, we’ll take some time and train. There’s something I want to spend some time building anyway.”

“What’s that?” Goku asked.

“Fake moons. If we’re gonna train, I’m gonna give you my full monkey.”

\---

_ A few days later _

“Well, Tamata, I’ve looked over Dr. Gero’s technology, the materials used in it, and all your circuitry. I’ve measured Goku’s power, your power, Gohan’s power, even Krillin’s power, and there’s no reason that I can see that indicates your cybernetics are any kind of limit to your body or your capabilities of getting stronger. I don’t know much about Ki control, but if you were to get a thousand times stronger than your current maximum, the worst effect is that you lose a tenth of a tenth of a percent of power-up time. I have to say, if the prospect of Dr. Gero having had the chance to explore your physiology and develop this technology on his own wasn’t so terrifying, I’d be impressed,” Bulma explained, attaching Tamata’s arm back onto her stump, “I took a few liberties with your new arm, too, including a covering that makes it look more real. It has a rechargeable false moon, so if you siphon power into it, or drain it from an enemy, it will power the moon, allowing you to shoot one into the sky and you turn into the Great Ape. It doesn’t take much, but there’s only so many charges in there.”

“Thank you, Bulma. This is a great relief.”

“So now what are you going to do? Dad’s only just started on the spaceship.”

“My brother and I have a lot to do. We have to train for our lives. If we were to train for years, we might not reach the level of power we need to have at this chance for a fight. We have a few weeks,” Tamata said.

“No pressure, huh?”

“Just the fate of the Galaxy, is all. But with these rechargeable moons, I might stand a chance.”

“What do you think it’ll take?”

Tamata slipped her shirt back on, “A miracle. A legend. A myth.”

“I don’t follow.”

“An old story from my people.”

_ Vegeta blasts his way out of the medical chamber, holding the attending physician by the neck. _

“It speaks of a power beyond imagination.”

_ Goku stuffs his mouth full of buns as Krillin and Gohan count. _

“A meeting of focus and rage incomparable in the galaxy, when a warrior becomes a force of nature.”

Tamata looked down to her arm, clenching her fist.

“Once every thousand years, one appears, ushering in an age of destruction...And a new golden age.”

_ A man stands before a pillar of flame, rising out of a city. _

“It’s the power of Gods they say.”

_ Two figures stand before a great castle on a rocky cliff. _

“When the Super Saiyan emerges, the Galaxy trembles. And heroes are born,” Tamata said, “And it may be the only thing that can save us.”

“Or destroy us.”

“They’re much the same, I think. If we survive this, Bulma, I will consider you no less than my sister. A true Saiyan worth her pride does not forget that her victories are not possible without the assistance of others.”

“That’s...A big honor. I think?”

“To be a Saiyan’s mechanic is to be the shipbuilder to a destroyer of worlds.”

“We’ll go with ‘honor’ then.”

“Honor it is. I have to go meet with Goku. We’re going to spend all day training.”

“That’ll make him happy.”

Tamata walked to the balcony, and waved good-bye to Bulma flying away from the city. The West City Police were unable to spot or track ehr because of her speed. Tamata flew directly for the Lookout. She didn’t know what to expect at the location she’d been given. She started to get frustrated at not finding it, when she spotted a single pole amongst the clouds, and she followed it up. She passed Korrin’s keep, gawking briefly at the giant white cat as she flew past, before she came to the lookout.

“How do all these squares make a circle?” she wondered, landing on it.

“Oh, look, more maggots,” a black, turbaned creature remarked.

“Are you Mister Popo?” she asked.

“And what if I am?”

Tamata bowed, “Goku has spoken of your power. I find it appropriate to make proper penance to beings that are capable of making Goku quiver in fear.”

“You’re a fast learner.”

“By necessity, yes.”

“Hmm. Come back by sometime. We’ll get high.”

“By your command.”

“Your brother and the maggot at in the back by the Time Chamber.”

“Thank you, Mister Popo,” she stood, and went to the back.

“Hiiii Tamata!” Goku waved.

“Are you prepared to enter the Chamber, brother?” Tamata asked, “Bulma has deemed that I am healthy enough to train.”

“Yeah! We’ll be super strong! We’ll deck this Freezer lady for sure!” Goku declared.

“What should we do?” Krillin asked.

“Look after Gohan until tomorrow,” Tamata said.

“Make sure he reads his books!” Goku said, “Or Chichi will be mad.”

“...Should I just take him home?” Krillin offered.

“Why are you here?” Tamata wondered.

“I wanna show how much stronger we get when we’re done!” Goku said.

“I think Chichi would prefer to have Gohan home,” Tamata told him, “Besides, we can show off when we’re done, it doesn’t have to be here.”

“Okay…I’ll see you tomorrow, Gohan!” Goku said, stepping into the chamber.

“Bye dad, bye Aunt Tamata!” Gohan waved. He looked to Krillin.

“Does he do this often?”

“What?”

“Go off with people he barely knows to train.”

“All the time.”


	13. The Christmas Tree of Might

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goku and Tamata leave the Time Chamber, just as Christmas comes along! But some Scrooge is threatening to take it away! Can they save Christmas, and will Tamata get off Santa's Naughty list?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
> 
> And the Abridged series, upon which this is based.
> 
> Let’s win the war on Freeza Day!

 

Goku panted, fists at the ready, watching the horizon. The Time Chamber had a curve to it that made it all the more disconcerting. He had a plan, though, and it was a good one, at least he thought so.

“All around the training chamber,” a deep, booming voice called out. Goku held out his hands, and assumed the Kamehameha stance.

“The monkey chased the Saiyan!”

“Ka! Me!”

“The monkey thought it was all for fun!” Tamata flew over the horizon, the artificial moon flying just behind her. Instead of the hundred foot monster, however, she was a mere ten feet tall, with a less pronounced snout and her overall figure was preserved, though much bulkier and exaggerated proportions on her arms and size of her torso.

“Ha me!”

She slammed into Goku, sending him deeper into the time chamber.

“Pop goes the Saiyan!”

“HA!” Goku unleashed the attack while in midair. Instead of hitting her, however, he blasted the artificial moon, forcing her to transform out of the new Ozaru form. Tamata stood in the white void (void, void, void, void, void…) staring at her hands. She looked up at Goku.

“Augh! Dick!”

And she collapsed.

_INTRO TITLE_

\---

“So what you’re saying is, that if Ghengis Khan _hadn’t_ torn his way through most of the ancient world, destroying empires along the way, there would have been a period of even greater political and militant strife that would have delayed the modern age,” Gohan said.

“That’s right. Now there was a maggot who knew the pecking order, that Ghengis Khan,” Mr. Popo confirmed, “It did have the effect of leaving the impression on Western cultures that all Easterners were brutal Barbarians incapable of civility, but they’re about to learn their lesson on that one. Not that it matters.”

“Wow I never really saw it that way…Thanks, Mr. Popo!”

“Just be sure to pass on what you’ve learned.”

“I sure will!”

“Hey, the time chamber’s up! Goku and Tamata are coming out!” Krillin said.

“I know what time it is, maggot,” Mr. Popo scolded.

“YESSIR, SORRYSIR!”

“You will be this season,” Mr. Popo warned, fleading Gohan to the Time Chamber entrance. It opened with a creak, as Goku and Tamata stepped out, with beaten up clothing and healed up scars. Tamata had thinned out a bit, having become more sleek than before, though the change only made her look faster while still just as brutal, while Goku had packed on extra muscle.

“Hey you two! How was it?” Krillin asked.

“It was the most intense training I’ve ever had. In the last year I’ve learned things that has pushed me beyond limits I never thought to consider, much less surpass. It just might be enough,” Goku lamented.

“It was so much fun! I learned the Kamehameha and the Kaio-Ken and how to become a big monkey lady!” Tamata cheered.

“...Oh, well that’s good, you’re all caught up, then,” Krillin said.

“Your head is so smooth and shiny,” Tamata knelt before Krillin, “Can I touch it?”

“M-My head?”

“Yeah. I wanted to ask the first time I met you, but I didn’t want to be rude but now I don’t think you’d mind.”

“Uh, okay.”

Tamata rubbed Krillin’s head. It was slightly waxy.

“So Goku, what did you learn in the Time Chamber?” Krillin asked while Tamata rubbed his head.

“I learned the brutality and ferocity of the way of the Saiyan Warrior. My family’s tradition has been passed on to me, and with it, I can avenge my ancestors!” Goku told him. Krillin looked to Tamata, then back to Goku.

“Did you two hit you heads in there?”

_Before, in the chamber_

Goku and Tamata punch each other in the face, sending both of them reeling back and they land square on their heads.

_On the lookout_

“Maybe,” Goku and Tamata said together.

“Hey, Mister Popo, thanks for letting us use your Time Chamber thingy!” Tamata said.

“The Hyperbolic Time Chamber,” Mr. Popo said.

“Yeah that! We got so tough! We’re gonna beat up Freeza for sure!”

“And bring an end to her tyranny, once and for all!” Goku vowed.

“I’m not sure what to make of this,” Krillin admitted to Gohan.

“This is either a great improvement, or a grave mistake,” Gohan concurred.

“After all that training, I could use a break!” Tamata said, “I’m looking forward to training again afterward! What do you do for fun on Earth, except maybe get high on a little Beethoven?”

“Well it’s Christmas in a few days. We could do with a Christmas tree,” Krillin offered.

“Oh, more books this year,” Gohan pouted.

“Christmas? What’s that?” Tamata asked. Goku gasped.

“I almost forgot about Christmas! Oh, Tamata, you’re gonna have the best time ever!” Goku promised.

“Oh there he is again,” Krillin remarked.

“I am?”

“Uh huh!”

“Oh boy!”

Gohan groaned, and Goku led Tamata off the Lookout so that Goku could teach Tamata the meaning…

Of Christmas.

 

_The Christmas Tree of Might: Special AU Deluxe Collector’s Edition: Director’s Cut_

“So we spend the Ox King’s money to get presents for other people, and this Santa Claus brings presents for us in turn?” Tamata asked as they wandered through a mall.

“Yeah huh.”

“What am I supposed to buy people?”

“Well, usually I get Krillin something he can use to shave his head. I get Chichi something shiny that she can wear, and Gohan gets books,” Goku said.

“All right what do I get you?”

“Well Chichi does this thing with her mouth at night before we go to bed.”

“Yeah I’m not doing that. In any case, this Santa Claus sounds like an improbably powerful creature of immeasurable power. Maybe we should train with him!”

“Oh boy, special training with Santa Claus? That’s _all_ I want for Christmas this year!”

“Well I’ll see what I can do. Hey I know! What about this sound system? We can play Chopin whenever we want!”

“I dunno, it looks awfully expensive.”

“I’d pay for it myself but all my money’s in Freezabucks, and I don’t think they have an exchange rate for that on Earth. Eh, maybe next year. I’ve been meaning to get a job anyway.”

“Why work when you have the Ox King?” Goku said.

“Oh, we should get him something, too. He is paying for this, after all.”

“Oh hi, King Kai!” Goku said, looking up.

“Huh?” Tamata looked around.

“Aw, shucks, King Kai! You, too!”

“I don’t see anything.”

“Space in the what now?”

“Goku, are you all right?”

“How evil?”

“What’s evil?”

Goku gasped, “That’s DISNEY evil!”

“I know I hit you pretty hard when we were in the chamber, but you’re starting to worry me,” Tamata said, shaking Goku.

“Okay, Tamata, we have to go.”

“But the presents!”

“It’ll have to wait!”

“But...You got me so excited for Christmas, now you want to abandon it? You want to take Christmas away from me, just when I was learning all about it? _And you accuse me of being evil.”_

“This is more important than spending the Ox King’s money on presents! We have to save Christmas itself!” Goku told her. Tamata dropped the box she was holding.

“Let’s do it, Goku.”

Abandoning their cart and all the gifts inside it, they rushed outside and flew away.

“Hey, I don’t remember all those giant tree roots on our way in here,” Tamata gestured to them.

“That’s the giant evil Christmas Tree I was telling you about!” Goku explained.

“N-No, you didn’t say that at all, actually, I have no idea what’s going on.”

“And it’s up to us to save Christmas before it sucks up all the Christmas Joy!”

“That was not previously explained, I feel like I have less context than I did before.”

“We have to stop those evil space pirates!”

“WHAT PIRATES?!”

“There’s the tree!” Goku led her to toward the massive, sky-breaking tree.

“Nothing is explained!” she followed him. Krillin and Gohan were flying towards it as well.

“What are you two doing?” Tamata asked.

“We’re hunting for the perfect Christmas Tree! That one over there looks good!” Krillin said.

“I think it’s an evil Christmas tree that’s taking all the Holiday Spirit or something,” Tamata explained.

“That’s like something out of a Disney film!” Gohan balked.

“What’s a Disney?”

They landed in front of the tree.

“What’s the plan here, Goku?” Tamata asked.

“Well, we could go out and search for the Dragonballs and wish it away!” Goku said.

“Goku, we don’t have Dragon-” Krillin started.

“Just kidding, let’s blow it up!” Goku raised his arms to fire away. The others followed suit, firing at the tree, but to no effect.

“Didn’t work!” Goku said when the smoke cleared.

“But if the tree takes all the Christmas Joy, how will I have my first Christmas?” Tamata wondered.

“Our only option now...Is to reason with it!”

“I see several problems with that plan-” Tamata said.

“Big tree! If you don’t leave right now, I’m gonna have to beat you up!” Goku shouted.

“Dad, trees can’t talk,” Gohan said.

“Why don’t you come up here and try it?” the tree shouted back.

“I guess trees are different from where this thing is from,” Tamata guessed, and they flew up, expecting some kind of tree-face but finding a group of armored goons instead. They laughed at the sight of the Z Warriors.

“Who the hell are these guys?” Krillin asked.

“We are from the Planet of the Misfit Minions,” the big orange one said.

“Where all banished servants of Santa Claus are sent,” the human-looking minion remarked.

“We were all lost, hope forsaken,” a purple minion said.

“But Turles has given us a second chance at life,” the other purple minion added.

“And at revenge!” the purple ones declared together.

“Wait, Turles, I know that name,” Tamata muttered.

“But why were you banished in the first place?” Krillin demanded.

“Some of us did things. Terrible things,” the orange minion explained.

“Things that some of us regret. And some of us don’t,” the humanoid added.

“Take me for example. I was but once a humble mall Santa, trying to bring children joy,” the orange one continued.

“So what happened?” Tamata asked.

“Well, a child asked me for a fire truck.”

“Awww!” cooed Goku.

“So I dropped one on his house!”

“Awww…” Goku groaned.

“There there was our brother and I! We were once Elves, working at Santa’s workshop. Until a robot we built to aid production went on a murderous rampage,” the purple minions said, alternating between them as they spoke.

“Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-DIE!” the robot minion sang.

“Yikes!” Krillin shuddered, “Wait, that doesn’t cover you. What’d you do?”

“Something so terrible, I am forever on Santa’s naughty list!” the humanoid said.

“Compared to the rest, what could you have do-” Gohan started.

“I raped Rudolph.”

“Who’s Rudolph?” Tamata asked Goku.

“He’s one of Santa’s Reindeer,” Goku explained, “He’s got a glowing nose that lets them see through the fog.”

Tamata stared at the humanoid, “There is a special place on the Naughty list for creatures like you.”

“Come on guys, we have to save Christmas!” Goku declared, leading the charge. Tamata charged at the humanoid, screaming his death as she did.

Krillin faced up against the red minion, who said, “You know, you remind me of one of the kids I let sit on my lap once. Course, he was a cancer patient. Asked me if I could get rid of his cancer.”

“Oh god this is going exactly where I think it is, isn’t it?” Krillin said.

“So I blew him up! No more cancer.”

“God, you are one of the worst Mall santas, right behind the ones that molest kids!”

“...So I’m the worst Mall Santa?”

“Oh come on!”

Tamata spun the humanoid into the side of the Christmas Tree, wedging him inside head-first.

“Hah! You’re easily a Nappa and I just smacked you around like a Clorfor! I really did get more powerful, this is great!” she turned to see Gohan headbutt one of the Elves, “Oh, no, Gohan!”

She flew towards him, but was intercepted by the robot, which was playing Christmas Metal.

“Oh you wanna have a robot fight?” she punched it, leaving a dent in its armor, “Because I can oblige!”

She put her mechanical hand in its face, and shouted, “Thursday Burnout!”

The blast melted the robot’s armor, along with its head, leaving molten slag. She glanced up, seeing Krillin struggling to stand while Goku tangled with the red minion. Tamata took off after Gohan, blasting the other purple Elf as it charged toward her. She found Gohan being held by a figure midair, and she flew to them.

“You look like my dad,” Tamata muttered.

“And you look like Sonic the Hedgehog,” the Saiyan said.

“I get that. Wait, Mr. Turles?”

“Tamata? Is that you?”

“Woah, hey, howya been? I haven’t seen you since the third grade, before Freeza blew up our planet!”

“Oh, you know. Pillaging planets, stealing their Christmas.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you to _not_ steal the holiday. It’s my first Christmas, and I don’t want to have to spend it killing my favorite math teacher.”

“It’s been a long time since my days teaching children, watching them grow up seeing the joy and wonder that other planets held, only to have Freeza day! The same cycle of misery, year in and year out, all because Santa Claus wouldn’t come to Planet Vegeta! By the time you were my student, I did everything I could to protect you from the truth, so you wouldn’t bear my suffering! Once I’ve taken all the Joy from Earth, I’ll make sure nobody has a Christmas ever again!”

“I appreciate it, but this planet DOES have a Christmas. So I have to stop you. Also, give me back my nephew.”

“Oh you want this kid?”

“I want him.”

“You want this kid?”

“I want him.”

“You want this kid?”

“I want him.”

“You want you want?”

“I WANT THAT KID!”

Turles threw Gohan at Tamata, and she caught him.

“Hey Aunt Tamata!”

“Merry Christmas.”

Mr. Turles blasted her, sending her plummeting to the ground. Mr. Turles landed next to Gohan, who was struggling to get up.

“Tamata…” Gohan grunted, but Mr. Turles put his foot on his back.

“Yeah, you’re gonna stay right there. Now how about I show you a little trick I learned. If I put pressure down on this part of your back,” Mr. Turles said, stepping on Gohan. Gohan’s tail popped out of the base of his spine as this happened, “Your tail grows back!”

“And…?” Gohan asked.

“Look!” Mr. Turles threw a false moon, kicking Gohan up and forcing Gohan to stare at it, “It’s the Star of Bethlehem! You know what that means?”

“Jesus is born?” Gohan asked.

“Yes! Only instead of Jesus...It’s a giant monkey.”

“I don’t see the parallels-” Gohan started to say, but not before he turned into said giant monkey.

“Oh, no...If Chichi finds out about this, I might not get Mouth-Present!” Goku groaned, landing in front of the raging Gohan. Mr. Turles started laughing as Gohan started chasing Goku around, taunting him about father fighting his son. His laughter tapered off, when he realized he wasn’t the only one laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Mr. Turles demanded.

“You know, you could teach eight-year-olds about spatial vector algebra all day, and still make it feel like an hour of recess, but you’re not a great tactician, you know that?” Tamata standing up and dusting herself off, “Because while you’ve been off being a Grinch, I’ve been keeping up on my studies. I’ve recently taken an interest in Primatology.”

“Well it’s important for anyone to take hold of their education throughout their life, not just in their youth. It’s one of the best ways to find growth and fulfillment, as well as finding new, creative ways to obliterate your enemies, so I’m very proud that you’ve taken ahold of your giANT MONKEY!” Mr. Turles said as Tamata stared at the false moon and turned into a Great Ape, herself. Tamata started by grabbing Gohan and suplexing him, giving Goku a clear shot at severing Gohan’s tail.

“Yeah, so it turns out that whole ‘Low-Class Warriors can’t control their giant monkey’ thing is just some bourgeois bullshit meant to keep us down,” Tamata told Mr. Turles, “In fact, wanna see something cool?”

“See, I know you’re playing me, but I do,” Mr. Turles admitted. Tamata howled at the light, and began to shrink, stopping at about nine feet tall, and still covered in fur. Her snout was less pronounced but still protruding out of her face, and instead of the pure red eyes, her eyes were red with black pupils and for some reason eyeliner, which she wasn’t even wearing before she transformed.

“Wh-What the-What is this? WHAT ARE YOU?” Mr. Turles demanded.

“I’m the Queen Bitch Monkey,” she snarled, “And you’re gonna kneel.”

“I’ll do no such-”

Tamata smacked him across the field into a root, where his minions had regrouped.

“Hey, Mr. Turles, sir? We’re kinda gettin’ our halls decked here,” the red minion admitted.

“Our robot has gone off into the Silent Night,” one of the Elves admitted.

“I think we may need to hang up our stockings on this one, sir,” the humanoid agreed.

“Now gentlemen, we can’t get our spirits down,” Mr. Turles assured them, and he glanced up at the tree. A wicked grin stretched across his face, “It is, after all, a wonderful life.”

“Sir?” the red minion said, as Mr. Turles flew up to the tree. Goku and Tamata were upon them just as he fled. When they were all dead, Mr. Turles landed at the base of the tree with a fruit in his hand.

“God rest ye merry, minions,” he lamented to the corpses of his men.

“We probably shouldn’t let him eat that,” Tamata warned.

“Oh it’s no big deal, it just contains all of Earth’s Christmas joy,” Mr. Turles said.

“Why are you so _evil_?” Goku demanded.

“Deal with it!” Mr. Turles ate of the fruit, and so they say, his power levels grew three sizes they say. His arms and legs buffed out, and with a flash of speed, he smacked Goku into the tree. Before he could follow up, Tamat intercepted him. Even with her new form, however, Mr. Turles was still empowered by the fruit of the tree, keeping them evenly matched.

“Turles, if you had used this power for something productive, you might have been able to take on Freeza herself!” Tamata snarled, “But because of you, the whole galaxy is at risk of losing Christmas, and being forced to celebrate Freeza day!”

“With the power of Earth’s Joy, there will be a new holiday! We’ll call it Turlesoween!” he snarled, kicking her in the gut. She was only forced back a couple of steps, but it was enough for Turles to gather energy and blast the false moon out of the sky. Without it, Tamata fell out of the Ape Queen form and back to her normal self.

“Ah, dick!” she swore, and Mr. Turles punched her into the tree as he had done to her brother. He landed on Goku’s chest.

“Now, denounce your faith!” Mr. Turles commanded.

“N-No!” Goku shouted.

“Denounce your faith in Santa Claus!”

“NEVER!”

“Well then!” Mr. Turles held out his hands, “Bah Humbug.”

He blasted Goku and Tamata, leaving them smoking and twitching.

“Well, now that that’s over, time to plan a bitchin’ New Years party!” Mr. Turles said smugly, flying away.

“No…” Goku wheezed, “Christmas...Can’t be ruined...Must...Summon up...Energy…”

“I got...One more trick…” Tamata said, “If you can pull that one off.”

“Oh, wow! It’s-” Goku said,r eaching to the sky.

“Goku...Are you hallucinating again?” Tamata asked, wobbling to her feet. Goku gasped and sat up.

“But...He’s got all of Earth’s joy!” Goku said, staring at someone who wasn’t there, “He’s too powerful!”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna assume you’re having another psychotic break,” Tamata said, “If you can hear me, like at all...If you can do the Spirit Bomb, I can get the Earth’s joy back.”

Goku gasped, “You’re right! Yes, Santa!”

“Wait, Santa’s HERE?” Tamata looked around, “Like right now? Hi Santa! I know I was naughty, but if you give me a chance, I’ll save Christmas, and I’ll be good! I promise!”

“Tamata! You said you had one last trick?” Goku asked. She clenched her artificial arm.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll take him head-on. You do your thing. Then, we’ll destroy the tree.”

“With pleasure.”

Goku powered up, while Tamata’s arm twisted into action, the hand splitting apart and a white light was clenched between a pair of prongs that emanated its source energy. Tamata aimed it at the sky, and fired the False Moon at the sky.

“What? But I only had the one!” Mr. Turles gasped when it sped past him. He looked down, only to get a face full of Goku fist.

“This is for Christmas!” Goku declared. Mr. Turles rubbed his cheek.

“I’ve had a lot of students like you, who just kept trying the same thing over and over on the same problem, but it took a lot to get things through their thick skulls. But it’s the Holidays, and I’m in no mood to discipline an unruly student,” Mr. Turles snarled.

“I’m not afraid of you! I’m Son Goku, Defender of Christmas, Champion of Santa Claus! And I’m going to defeat you!” Goku vowed, coming at him again. Turles was prepared, however, and began beating on Goku all over again, but something was different this time; Goku was fighting defensively, taking hits and blocking rather than trying to hurt Mr. Turles.

“Why won’t you just give up? You’re beat! You’re broken! Your holiday is taken and it’s never coming back!” Mr. Turles reminded him.

“So long as there is goodwill towards men and presents, CHRISTMAS IS FOREVER!” Goku grabbed Mr. Turles and threw him around, right towards the reformed Ozaru Queen form Tamata. Tamata held out her hand, and grabbed Turles by the mouth with her robotic arm.

“Today, I learned that there’s a time of the year where people come together, where they share what little they have for no other reason than to bring happiness to one another. I’m sorry you never got to celebrate Christmas, Mr. Turles. But that doesn’t mean you get to steal ours.”

Mr. Turles screamed into her hand as she drained his energy.

“I’m taking back Earth’s joy, and I’m going to put it back where it belongs!” Tamata declared, “Goku! Spirit Bomb! Destroy the tree before it takes an ounce more of joy!”

Goku held up his hands,awhile Tamata pointed her other arm at Goku. Right before Tamata’s eyes, Mr. Turles began to weaken and wither, his bulk draining back to normal, and even further. The drain and transfer allowed the Spirit Bomb to expand and grow almost instantly, and Goku slammed the blue sphere into the tree, causing it to ignite and crumble underneath the power of the combined joy of the Christmas Spirit.

“My-My joy!” Mr. Turles gasped when Tamata let him go, reaching towards the tree. He had been drained so much that his normal bulk was gone, and he barely fit into his armor.

“By rights, I should kill you, Mr. Turles, for attacking my new planet,” Tamata warned, holding him up by the hair, “But I don’t think I’ll do that. After all, ‘tis the season of giving.”

She let him go, and he floated to the ruins of the tree. Tamata held up her artificial hand and, with a clenching of her fist, the false moon disappeared.

“My men, my tree, my power...I have...Nothing…” he lamented, “This is what you call holiday joy?”

“On the contrary, Mr. Turles,” Tamata said, “I’ll give you something more than power and strength. No space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunity misused.”

“What-What are you on about?” he demanded.

“What I learned, today, from my brother, from defending the Earth, is that the true meaning of Christmas isn’t in getting stuff. It’s about showing what you can give. What you do for others. And getting presents in turn. So I’m going to let you go. And I’m going to give you a purpose. There must be other survivors of Planet Vegeta. I want you to go and find them, and assemble them. Then, on that day, you’ll be ready for Christmas.”

“Why would I work for you?” he demanded.

“Because nobody else will take you seriously now. Freeza will hunt you down just for being a Saiyan. The Galactic Patrol will hunt you for the same reason. And because of your defeat here, no mercenary will take you on. But I will. I will give you purpose. Now go, and find what remains of our people,” she ordered. Mr. Turles managed to find his way to his feet, and he flew up towards his spaceship high above.

Goku came up to her.

“You let him go, just like I did with Vegeta,” Goku said, “You really are learning what Christmas is all about.”

“Eh, sort of. Mostly I put him to work for me.”

“That’s neat. So, do you think this puts you on the Nice list? Or are you still Naughty?”

“You know, so long as I get to spend Christmas with my little brother, that’s all I really care about,” she hugged him.

“Awww!”

 

_And they all had a Merry Christmas!_

_Goku got a KenTacoHut from Santa, and something else from Chichi. Tamata got him a pair of high-speed chopsticks._

_Chi-Chi got a GPS to keep track of Gohan, and some mouthwash. Tamata gave her a set of romance novels called ‘Passions of Battle.’ They started a book club._

_Gohan got books. He also got a flying dragon. But due to it being non-canon, he was not allowed to keep it. Tamata got him a CD player and a copy of selected pieces of famed organist Michael Murray, which Gohan keeps in a secret space under his floor._

_Krillin got a new shaver. He also got a girlfriend. However, due to her being non-canon, he was not allowed to keep her. Tamata forgot to get him a present._

_Tamata received a lump of coal from Santa, and a wrapper of a chocolate orange, which Goku had eaten._

_Mr. Turles also got coal, but he also a new gang of minions._

_The Narrator got a massage chair._

_The writer watched Rogue One again, because he doesn’t celebrate Christmas anymore._

_Yamcha, Tien, Piccolo, and Chiaotzu were still dead._

_It was the best Christmas ever._

_Happy Holidays!_


End file.
